"Things are so out of amuck "

I've caught myself making more "to-do" lists in the last couple of days. Does anyone else get a certain amount of satisfaction from making lists and crossing things off as you get them done?

For me, I tend to be more listy when things are starting to unravel and spin out of control. Making lists of things I need to accomplish and then knowing that I've gotten them done tells me that I've been productive. It gives me the illusion that my life is solely in my hands and I should not only be rewarded for my hard work, but tells me that I depend on myself and myself on alone to complete all of the to-do's in life.

I don't think there is anything wrong with to-do lists in general. They're very helpful and essential for being organized. I guess today I am aware of where I am grasping for control, productivity and a sense of peace for things that feel completely of my hands.

Like my RA diagnosis, thinking about the when's, if's and how's of having another baby, Todd's Uncle Mike who is not recovering well from open-heart surgery and my car breaking down and needing to replace it.

When I see things starting to spin and realize that I can't change them, I reach out for every place that I can.

I go into cleaning mode and get my house in order from top to bottom. I wash every item of laundry and put every item of clothing away. I organize and reorganize closets. I iron clothes. I get on the scale more often to monitor my weight. None of those things are particularly bad really. But those obsessive behaviors clue me in to something going on deeper in my heart.

I just crumpled up my most recent "to-do" list and threw it in the trash. It's time to relax and rest and just breathe for a bit. No cleaning or organizing allowed.