In the wee hours of the morning

Does anyone else feel like the wee hours of the morning are the times when you have the most clarity sometimes? I seem to be the most vulnerable and open and honest at that time of day - if I'm awake for it that is. Maybe it's because regular life is still waiting to be had and bills and dirty diapers and rush hour traffic haven't occurred yet. Sometime between 3am and 6am are often the times that I feel God calling me awake to come and meet with Him. And sometimes, it's when Todd and I have our best conversations.

Yesterday morning, we were both awake in the wee hours of the morning. I'm sure it wasn't a coincidence. We needed to talk.

My heart weighed heavily with something I needed and wanted to tell him before we went to bed the night before. But I held it in thinking that it was far too despicable to share. I fell asleep feeling lonely and sad. And I awoke feeling the same way.

In the wee hours of the morning, I finally gave words to the big ugly thing that was in my heart. I won't share that here, but it felt hard to speak and gross to name. I felt relief as I uttered the words and he wasn't running away. He was still holding on to me. Todd knew something was there and had waited for me to tell him. I appreciated his kindness and patience in waiting for me to be ready.

We talk about everything. There are no secrets. There had been secrets at the very beginning, but not anymore. Todd was the first person I ever told my deepest darkest and ugliest secret to. And he didn't run away, he didn't call me names, he didn't condemn me, he didn't ask for a divorce - he stayed. That was the night we committed to sharing everything, even the painful things that will hurt, to the other. I think maybe that was the first time I understood what love really meant. To accept and love and want someone even though you know something gross about them. Isn't that what Jesus offers to all of us? You know the depths of my heart and You love me the same....

Sometimes, like last night, it feels hard to muster up the guts to say what needs to be said, because I know that it's possible for him to feel hurt or disappointed. But I get there eventually. Todd has proved that his love runs deep for me and it's safe to go there with him. Almost always, a renewed sense of intimacy and closeness is there after we've walked through something hard together.

He covered me with good words in our conversation, yet my heart has still felt unsettled as I think about this "thing" we talked about. Why don't I feel better?

As I've thought and reflected some more, I have realized how I usually leave God out of these messier parts of my heart. Maybe it's because I know He sees it. I know He knows it's there - so what's the point? It feels disgusting to go before Him and show it to Him and say it out loud to Him. Blech.

Todd has been a wonderful model to me of showing me just a glimpse of how great God's love is for me. Yet, it's still hard for me to believe or fully grasp it enough to be willing to go some of these dark places with Him that I have avoided - maybe for years.

I'm scared of the fleshly parts of me that want to hold on to these things and not go there with God. And I feel aware of how enticing and inviting sin can feel at first.

A little deep and real and heavy for a Wednesday huh?

But Wednesdays are the days I meet with my new "eating disorder specialist." It's also the day I participate in book two at Grace Group where I get to look at my freaking body outline on a wall for two hours. Wednesday has become a deep and real and heavy day for me.

My only comfort in this "thing" is knowing that God is waiting there with patience and kindness until I am ready to let Him walk around in this crap with me. I have a feeling it will be soon. And probably in the wee hours of the morning.