Stream of thoughts

Things going through my head and heart today....

Much to be done still for Grammy's birthday party and I feel like I'm dropping the ball. Need to order a cake still and get plates and cups and napkins and plasticware. And ice and ice cream. And print pictures and make her gift and....

Todd traced my body outline last night for Grace Group Book #2. It felt as awful and looked as awful as I thought it would. I was ready to throw it out before I had even written anything on it. The next twelve weeks are going to be um, interesting.

I never ceased to be amazed at God's provision and care for us. Received a big and unexpected gift today and I feel humbled and grateful.

My schedule is starting to feel hectic again and I wonder if I'm taking on too much all at once. I guess if I have to wonder that, than I probably am. Yet most of these things feel needed or good for me too.

I signed over the title on my old car today. She's going to be scrapped for parts and that feels tragically sad.

Been more mindful about my eating habits lately and have written down lots of interesting thoughts as a result of it. Uncovering new things here when I thought there was nothing left to uncover. And that fills me with hope because maybe I'm not hopeless after all.

This RA thing just sucks. I couldn't shut the shower knob off this morning because my hands couldn't turn it. It's hard to shut down lies that I'm pathetic or useless when I can't do certain things on my own. The enemy is ruthless at getting me to believe what he has to say.

It feels weird to be back in a place where we are waiting and hoping and trying for a baby again. I forgot how emotional this process was and I think I forgot because it was so hard and painful the first time around. The waiting and trying and hoping and wanting feels wearing and exhausting. And trying to just rest here and keep on living with hope in the midst my longings is just as difficult as it was the first time too.

Sarah comes for our monthly breakfast chat tomorrow morning. I always look forward to her company and our conversations. She's a new friend, but a good and fun and cherished friend.

Medical bills. X-Rays. Blood work. Specialists. Therapists. Taking care of myself is feeling more costly these days.

It's cold today. Making something warm for dinner and bundling up. Wonder if it will snow on Thursday like they are predicting.

I'm turning 30 in a little over a month. THIRTY.

Feeling tender and cared for today. That's always a good feeling.