Food has been tasting differently to me lately. For example, I've recently discovered that I don't really like potato chips. Which seems weird for me considering that those are things I would ravagely snack on if they are ever in my house.
Since I have been meeting with a therapist in regards to my eating disorder, one of the techniques we have talked about using is mindfulness. She has asked me to write down my thoughts as I eat, my thoughts when I'm wanting to eat and I'm not hungry, and the thoughts I have if I'm overeating or wanting to eat past full. It's been very hard to write these things out, but I have. And I've learned new things about myself in the midst of it, which feels encouraging. I guess because I know there is more there and maybe I'm not hopeless and I can overcome this thing.
I'm not allowed on the scale right now as the goal isn't trying to lose weight currently. That in itself feels both frustrating and freeing. But I have seen changes in myself as I have been mindful of my heart and of the food I've been eating the last few weeks. Things are tasting differently. And I am finding myself eating less, even when given the opportunity to eat more. I've stopped and pushed away. I haven't gone for another helping. I've ordered food for one person instead of two. At the end of the day, food isn't tasting the same way it used to. It's good, but it's not something I'm feeling like I need to overindulge in because it is SO good.
Last week, when I wrote about the Messy Mess, some past addictions were starting to "flare up," if you will, and I got scared. My world was rocked by this development as my therapist had given me a warning and to be on guard for this very thing - that often times, someone coming out of an eating disorder can replace that addiction with another. It freaked me out to experience this. When I was starting to eat normally and not participate in my food addiction like usual, another addiction was almost waiting for me to take hold of it. I felt the heat of evil's pursuit of me here and it shook me to the core. 1 Peter 4:8 says, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary, the devil, walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour." This verse is real and serious - the enemy seeks to devour us. Eventually I stood and I continue to stand. I WILL NOT be devoured.
In the last couple of weeks, I have discovered this weird ache inside of my soul. I think it's always been there, but I've been using food so long to fill it or numb it or kill it, that I've never paid much attention to it.
It feels somewhat hard to explain, but I feel like I'm starting to desire Jesus more than I used to. Like my soul is literally hungering for God. I am wanting to taste more of Him. I am realizing for myself what it means to pant and thirst for God like a deer pants for the water. This is a brand new feeling for me and something I can't say I've really ever experienced as a believer before.
I am one of those people that grew up in the church. And in the church, I learned all of these things that you must do or should do in order to reach some state of spiritual maturity where you master things like "contentment" and correct Biblical doctrine. This way of life has left me feeling exhausted and like I was spiritual failure. It was not working for me. A few years ago, I decided that I was only going to go to church, read my Bible, do Bible studies and pray when I wanted to do those things. I'm sure a lot of people might disagree with my choice in how I've lived out my faith, but that's the beauty of faith and conviction and having a relationship with Jesus - it looks different for everyone because we are all unique and have different stories.
I guess in the last few weeks, I have found myself hungry for more of Him. I need Him. I am wanting of Him. I bought myself a new devotional and a crispy new journal with hearts on the cover. I thought it was time to start something new with Him there. It's Him I've needed all along I'm sure. But it's taken me this long to get to this place I suppose.
It feels exciting to me that it was God's patient and persistent pursuit of my heart that got me here. Not some magic book, not someone telling me something - it wasn't because of any one person or any one thing. It was several little things, and most importantly Him coming after me.
I'm not sure what any of this means really. All I know is that for maybe the first time in my entire life, I am finding myself longing to taste of Jesus. Because nothing else is tasting as good anymore, and I am pretty sure what He has to offer me, will taste like nothing I've ever had before.