Simply "Jenn"-Sational

I've Moved

2011-02-28T14:17:00.002-06:00

This blog has relocated!

Please CLICK HERE if you would like to read more.

Thanks!

Goodbyes and Changes

2011-02-25T07:30:00.004-06:00

Dear Friends, Fellow Bloggers, blog-stalkers, and random readers I've never met,

Since May of 2007, I have come here to write on this little blog. I created the word "Jenn-sational" for myself because I thought it was fun and cute different. It's catchy right?

For the almost four years that I have come here to write, I have found my own blogging groove. I think everyone has their own style or reasons for writing. And me?

I keep my blog to write about anything and everything. It's a catalog of my daily life. It's a place where I write about my faith. It's an outlet for where I struggle with my weight. And it's a showcase for my son and husband and my great love for the both of them. I enjoy writing, and even though I am aware I have an audience, I really come here to write for me. It's great to have something tangible to look back on of my own life journey and it's felt kind of humbling that people I don't know, want to come here and read about my life. I have 74 "Followers" and I've always been curious what it is about me that people feel that they connect with enough to become a follower of this little blog.

However, I feel the season of "Simply Jenn-Sational" has finally come to a close.

I turn 30 on the twelfth of March. I am entering what feels like a new season of adulthood as a woman, wife and mother. I think in many ways, I feel a bit more "grown up" than the woman who started this blog a few years ago. Much has changed for me in the last few years, especially in my heart. I started contemplating this change back in the fall and decided to hold off until around the time of my birthday. I guess with March around the corner, it feels fitting to make this change now.

I plan on writing the same kinds of things - my daily life, my struggles, my victories, my silliness, my family and so on. But on a new blog. With a new title and a new address in a new season of life. Nearly four years and 662 posts later I'm saying goodbye to Simply Jenn-Sational.

With that, I cordially invite all of my readers here over to my new place.

I often write about the changing of the seasons and the times of life I often find myself in. The title of my new blog is real, it's personal and it holds much meaning for me and my story. So without further ado....

THERE IS A SEASON

The Cure for Pity-Party Disease

2011-02-24T08:19:00.004-06:00

I am the queen of the pity party. Nobody can throw a better "feel-sorry-for-me-because-everything-in-my-life-sucks" party than I can. And I'm not proud of that quality, but it feels true. If I am not sitting in self-contempt, I am often sitting in self-pity. I make my life all about me, my issues, my problems...me, me, me, my, my, my, I, I, I. Blah, blah, blah.

The other day was such a day, which had something to do with insane hormones. Not being on the pill anymore totally messes with me when I go off and then no longer have all of that stuff in me to make me feel like a "normalish" person. Which has explained my grouchiness levels and weird insatiable cravings for Gummi Bears. And no, I am not pregnant. *sigh* Either way, I was in mega pity-party mode the other day.

And then, I read this....

"When you are occupied with praising and thanking Me (God), it is impossible to feel sorry for yourself."

Thanks to my super new awesome devotional, I seem to read a little snippet of truth every day that I am really needing to hear. I have found myself sitting in a puddle of conviction and faced with the sadness that more often than naught, I dwell on the things that I don't have or the things that I do have that are making me miserable, rather than even coming to God with humility and a heart of thanks and just praising Him for who He is.

I began journaling a list of the things I was thankful for and a list of praises to God. After three pages worth, I wasn't feeling so sorry for myself anymore. I was thinking how blessed I am and how amazing God's love is for me. So I guess what I read had some truth to it.

The antidote to self-pity is thanking and praising God.

I think it's time to throw a new kind of party. Maybe a God-is-cool-and-I-am-surrounded-by-his-incredible-blessings-and-have-so-much-to-praise-Him-for, kind of party. Anyone want to come?

What the heck?

2011-02-22T12:30:00.004-06:00

Somehow I dropped my awesome Blackberry Curve that I got for Christmas in a cup of Todd's Dr Pepper on Sunday morning. It soaked in there for hours until we discovered that's where it was. What the heck?

I have been experiencing major Gummi Bear cravings. And fruit candies in general actually. What the heck?

Tommy was sick last night and Todd was up with him - cleaned the whole mess up. Twice. I slept through the entire thing and didn't know about anything until this morning. What the heck?

I dreamed a bad dream about my mom last night. What the heck?

One of my doctor's offices "assumed" that I wasn't going to pay my bill and accused me of lying about not receiving a statement since her computer showed that they sent me one. What the heck?!

I thought we were going to owe taxes this year. Instead, we're getting a return! What the heck? Sweet!

There's a new show on TV called "Storage Wars." It's where people place bids on auctioned off storage units and then you get to see what they do or don't cash in on. I am hooked on this stupid show. I absolutely love it. What the heck?

I am starting to really feel at home at our church and have found myself actually wanting to get up earlier and try Sunday School - which is very un-me. What the heck?

I'm gonna be 30 in a couple of weeks. What the heck?

And I have a big announcement here on Friday. Hope you come back to find out what it is. What the heck?

Life is just full of weird, 'what the heck?' moments sometimes.....

Coffee and Conversation

2011-02-21T10:02:00.003-06:00

I'm kind of a weird coffee drinker. I'm not one of those people who has to have a cup of coffee to get a jump start on their day.

When I turned 20, some friends of mine wanted to make a Starbucks run after dinner. I never really liked coffee but they talked me into getting some kind of mocha concoction and insisted I would love it. After I took one sip, I was forever a die hard Starbucks fan and coffee was no longer on my dislike list. I learned with just the right amount of milk or sugar or flavored mixtures, coffee was quite tasty.

I never drink it black - which just goes to show I'm not a "real" coffee lover. It's always sweet and always creamy. And I don't always drink it either. I have to be in the mood. Or I have to be sharing a cup over conversation with a friend.

Several cups of coffee have been shared with friends over the years. I can think of many faces that have met me at the local Starbucks or even sat on my couch with some that I've made myself. Some of the sweetest times I've had in my relationships with my girlfriends are with a cup of coffee. To me, coffee is best when shared with someone else. It's warm and soothing and is perfect with conversation.

This morning, I awoke with more joint pain than usual. Which was to be expected. Yesterday felt like anything but a restful day and I was hurting before I even went to sleep. As it would have it, my hands and knees and feet were aching when I woke up. Todd had to turn the shower on for me and I could only pray that my fingers would be limber enough to put my own bra on today. Thankfully they were. My medication and the shower helped and I'm finally out and about.

I took the morning slow though. I brewed a pot of coffee and sat on the couch with my journal and just started to write thoughts and prayers to God. My handwriting looked different because my hands weren't nimble enough to write with the neatness I usually do. But I wrote. I sipped my coffee and sat in silence and just talked to God about what I've been containing in my heart the last several days.

Coffee and conversation with a Friend. It felt nice this morning. I want more.

Questions from Quiet Time

2011-02-18T07:00:00.000-06:00

I got this pretty cool devotional over the weekend. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I had been wanting to get something new and I particularly liked the one I found, because I felt my heart tugged at the moment I opened it up and read a random day as I stood in the bookstore. The book has led me to ask a lot of questions, which has led to a lot of journaling. And that has led to a lot of prayer and talking to God.

It's made me feel softer this week. More like me again.

These are some of the questions I've asked myself this week....

What things feel impossible to me?

If God says nothing is impossible, what does that mean for the list of things I made that "feel" impossible?

What is God already at work doing? Where am I seeing these things?

Do I believe God is taking care of me? Where have I recently experienced His care?

What does abandoning myself to God's will look like? What has kept me from doing that?

What "conditions" are requiring me to be still?

How have I wished quiet hours away?

What would it look like for me to look for God's way in my circumstances?

What is God's way in my RA?
What is God's way in my addictions?
What is God's way in trying to get pregnant again?
What is God's way in our finances?
What is God's way in my marriage and life with Todd?

How can limitations be liberating?

Where am I experiencing my relationship with God to be vibrant and challenging?

Where is God "invading" my life?

Where am I clinging to old ways and sameness? What does it look like to let go of old ways and cling to God? Can I even do that?

I love how in seeking answers, it draws me more to the heart of God and His love for me. I didn't post my answers or what I journaled in response to those questions on purpose - that feels almost too personal to share here. It's been a long while since I have purposed to read or journal or do something on a consistent basis. I haven't really wanted to until now. I've missed these quieter moments with the Lord, the soaking in of truth and just spending a few minutes every day with a cup of coffee and a pen and faced with the reality that my life is not all about me.

And until this week, I didn't realize how much I've been missing out on.

A Taste for Jesus

2011-02-16T07:00:00.002-06:00

Food has been tasting differently to me lately. For example, I've recently discovered that I don't really like potato chips. Which seems weird for me considering that those are things I would ravagely snack on if they are ever in my house.

Since I have been meeting with a therapist in regards to my eating disorder, one of the techniques we have talked about using is mindfulness. She has asked me to write down my thoughts as I eat, my thoughts when I'm wanting to eat and I'm not hungry, and the thoughts I have if I'm overeating or wanting to eat past full. It's been very hard to write these things out, but I have. And I've learned new things about myself in the midst of it, which feels encouraging. I guess because I know there is more there and maybe I'm not hopeless and I can overcome this thing.

I'm not allowed on the scale right now as the goal isn't trying to lose weight currently. That in itself feels both frustrating and freeing. But I have seen changes in myself as I have been mindful of my heart and of the food I've been eating the last few weeks. Things are tasting differently. And I am finding myself eating less, even when given the opportunity to eat more. I've stopped and pushed away. I haven't gone for another helping. I've ordered food for one person instead of two. At the end of the day, food isn't tasting the same way it used to. It's good, but it's not something I'm feeling like I need to overindulge in because it is SO good.

Last week, when I wrote about the Messy Mess, some past addictions were starting to "flare up," if you will, and I got scared. My world was rocked by this development as my therapist had given me a warning and to be on guard for this very thing - that often times, someone coming out of an eating disorder can replace that addiction with another. It freaked me out to experience this. When I was starting to eat normally and not participate in my food addiction like usual, another addiction was almost waiting for me to take hold of it. I felt the heat of evil's pursuit of me here and it shook me to the core. 1 Peter 4:8 says, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary, the devil, walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour." This verse is real and serious - the enemy seeks to devour us. Eventually I stood and I continue to stand. I WILL NOT be devoured.

In the last couple of weeks, I have discovered this weird ache inside of my soul. I think it's always been there, but I've been using food so long to fill it or numb it or kill it, that I've never paid much attention to it.

It feels somewhat hard to explain, but I feel like I'm starting to desire Jesus more than I used to. Like my soul is literally hungering for God. I am wanting to taste more of Him. I am realizing for myself what it means to pant and thirst for God like a deer pants for the water. This is a brand new feeling for me and something I can't say I've really ever experienced as a believer before.

I am one of those people that grew up in the church. And in the church, I learned all of these things that you must do or should do in order to reach some state of spiritual maturity where you master things like "contentment" and correct Biblical doctrine. This way of life has left me feeling exhausted and like I was spiritual failure. It was not working for me. A few years ago, I decided that I was only going to go to church, read my Bible, do Bible studies and pray when I wanted to do those things. I'm sure a lot of people might disagree with my choice in how I've lived out my faith, but that's the beauty of faith and conviction and having a relationship with Jesus - it looks different for everyone because we are all unique and have different stories.

I guess in the last few weeks, I have found myself hungry for more of Him. I need Him. I am wanting of Him. I bought myself a new devotional and a crispy new journal with hearts on the cover. I thought it was time to start something new with Him there. It's Him I've needed all along I'm sure. But it's taken me this long to get to this place I suppose.

It feels exciting to me that it was God's patient and persistent pursuit of my heart that got me here. Not some magic book, not someone telling me something - it wasn't because of any one person or any one thing. It was several little things, and most importantly Him coming after me.

I'm not sure what any of this means really. All I know is that for maybe the first time in my entire life, I am finding myself longing to taste of Jesus. Because nothing else is tasting as good anymore, and I am pretty sure what He has to offer me, will taste like nothing I've ever had before.

Real Love

2011-02-15T08:42:00.004-06:00

Last night as I was preparing a nice Valentine's dinner of Greek Lemon Chicken while trying to keep up with what was going on for The Bachelor, I started contemplating real love.

I was feeling tired and exhausted. One of the many downsides to Rheumatoid Arthritis is the fatigue that comes with it. By the end of the day I feel spent, and it is a challenge to push through those feelings and tell my body to keep going. As I stood over the stove, continually whisking my lemon sauce, I was struck with the thought that this - this was real love. Preparing a special meal for my husband even though my body would rather be curled up on the couch. And I started thinking of places where I have experienced Todd's real love. Where he has sacrificed and given of himself even when he is tired or frustrated or would just rather be doing something else.

Real love serves and sacrifices.

Earlier in the day I received the only thing I really want on any Valentine's Day from my husband. Flowers.
Flowers make me feel loved. Remembered. Celebrated. Special. Important. Happy. They remind me that I matter to someone. Every year is always a different arrangement and I love to see what colors that Todd comes up with and chooses for me. Yesterday's flowers were a combination of purple lillies, peach and white roses and orange gerber daises. They are bright and vibrant and they make me smile. I don't think I will ever tire of getting of them. They are a symbol of his real love for me.

Real love gives, reminds and treasures.

As of late, it feels like Todd and I have experienced the reality of marriage - the messy parts that you have to get in and clean up together. Both of us are not just committed to staying married because "that's what the Bible says," but we are committed to fighting for a good, loving, fun and honest marriage. I guess one of the positive results to seeing my parent's marriage fall apart and end in divorce, is knowing that I don't want that for myself. I will be damned if I let the enemy do that to my marriage. I am in it to fight for it - not to just exist, but to be awesome. We try to purpose to be mindful of when things are starting to spiral out of control or feel stale and disconnected and then do something about it.

Real love fights and calls to more.

Last night we enjoyed a quiet, candlelit dinner. Nothing too fancy. I didn't even use the cloth napkins. Tommy was in bed and though it was probably too late to be eating dinner, it was just me and him.
We both chose funny cards for each other this year. And that made me smile. Sometimes when things feel too serious or heavy, it always feels good to laugh. After dinner we played a silly game we found at a book store last week. It was a very enjoyable night, and after last week's mess and tension, it felt good to be silly and play again.

Real love has a sense of humor. Real love plays.

We make mistakes. We hurt each other. We are often self-seeking. We do damage. We often don't show up how we need to for the other. We aren't perfect. We are real.
I am grateful to share real love with this man. My husband, my forever Valentine.

My Little Valentine

2011-02-14T10:12:00.002-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day mom!
What's in the bag? Is this for me? (Classy grocery bag wrapping).
Cheese! And thanks for the fun Valentines mom and dad! I love them!
Let me give my new gorilla a few kisses.
Are we done with pictures yet? Cause I'd like to play with my cars now please.
Just a few snapshots of the morning with my little guy and his valentine gifts from us. Hope you enjoy the day and the Valentines nearest to your heart too!

Messy Mess

2011-02-10T08:12:00.005-06:00

I have felt messy this week. Which I am pretty sure started on Sunday night when I was so overwhelmed with all that needed to be picked up and cleaned or washed in my house, that I let the chaos sit there and chose to hide under a blanket on my couch and numb out to it. It felt like too much for me.

My house eventually got cleaned up, but I'm not so sure about me. Things have continued to unravel for me as my week has played out. My words and my story mostly are the things that have felt the messiest I suppose. Things that I have had tucked away or dealt with in these little neat and beautiful packages have suddenly ripped open and disrupted my world in new ways.

Today I am simply in touch with my anger.

I am angry that we are experiencing more of "winter" than we usually do in south Texas. I despise this cold weather, it feels miserable, and it makes my joints feel worse. I am over it and ready for spring. Or even our 100 degree summers.

I am angry that Todd has to work two jobs. I am angry that he's never home. I am angry that it's where we are at right now.

I am angry that my Rheumatoid Arthritis feels like a painful physical reminder of the pain in my past.

I am angry at the bookkeeper who worked at my job before me. She removed all of her information from our system and took her paperwork to ensure that she wouldn't have to pay taxes on the money she made while working here. It makes me angry that people are shady and irresponsible. I have found myself hoping that the IRS finds her and bites her in the ass because she deserves it.

I am angry for where I'm feeling missed. And I am angry for where I am feeling seen and known too. Both feel gross and uncomfortable.

I am angry in my story all over again. I am angry that my mom wasn't there. I am angry that I can still feel abandoned by her even though I am almost 30 and she has been dead for 11 years. I am angry that I don't have a "mom" in my life and that no one else has ever wanted the job. I am angry at myself for thinking or hoping I could replace her.

I am angry about the water leak in our bathroom and how home-owning comes with its share of cons just like renting apartments did. I am angry at the hole that is still in my wall because Todd isn't home enough to have time to fix it.

I am angry at myself for thoughts and feelings that I wish weren't there.

I am angry at myself for having lousy words for friends and feeling like I am being a bad friend to people I really love.

Yes, I am in most definitely in touch with anger today.

Anger is a messy thing to navigate through as there is usually disappointment, sorrow and shame lying underneath all that I feel angry about. Yet feeling angry gives me a sense of power and control, and I recognize why I think I am needing to feel powerful and in control this week. Anger gives me energy. And since I am feeling exhausted and in some pain today with my freaking stupid RA, I need that energy to simply get things done.

I am hoping that there will feel like time and space to sift through this mess, and that I won't have to sit in it alone.

In the wee hours of the morning

2011-02-09T07:00:00.002-06:00

Does anyone else feel like the wee hours of the morning are the times when you have the most clarity sometimes? I seem to be the most vulnerable and open and honest at that time of day - if I'm awake for it that is. Maybe it's because regular life is still waiting to be had and bills and dirty diapers and rush hour traffic haven't occurred yet. Sometime between 3am and 6am are often the times that I feel God calling me awake to come and meet with Him. And sometimes, it's when Todd and I have our best conversations.

Yesterday morning, we were both awake in the wee hours of the morning. I'm sure it wasn't a coincidence. We needed to talk.

My heart weighed heavily with something I needed and wanted to tell him before we went to bed the night before. But I held it in thinking that it was far too despicable to share. I fell asleep feeling lonely and sad. And I awoke feeling the same way.

In the wee hours of the morning, I finally gave words to the big ugly thing that was in my heart. I won't share that here, but it felt hard to speak and gross to name. I felt relief as I uttered the words and he wasn't running away. He was still holding on to me. Todd knew something was there and had waited for me to tell him. I appreciated his kindness and patience in waiting for me to be ready.

We talk about everything. There are no secrets. There had been secrets at the very beginning, but not anymore. Todd was the first person I ever told my deepest darkest and ugliest secret to. And he didn't run away, he didn't call me names, he didn't condemn me, he didn't ask for a divorce - he stayed. That was the night we committed to sharing everything, even the painful things that will hurt, to the other. I think maybe that was the first time I understood what love really meant. To accept and love and want someone even though you know something gross about them. Isn't that what Jesus offers to all of us? You know the depths of my heart and You love me the same....

Sometimes, like last night, it feels hard to muster up the guts to say what needs to be said, because I know that it's possible for him to feel hurt or disappointed. But I get there eventually. Todd has proved that his love runs deep for me and it's safe to go there with him. Almost always, a renewed sense of intimacy and closeness is there after we've walked through something hard together.

He covered me with good words in our conversation, yet my heart has still felt unsettled as I think about this "thing" we talked about. Why don't I feel better?

As I've thought and reflected some more, I have realized how I usually leave God out of these messier parts of my heart. Maybe it's because I know He sees it. I know He knows it's there - so what's the point? It feels disgusting to go before Him and show it to Him and say it out loud to Him. Blech.

Todd has been a wonderful model to me of showing me just a glimpse of how great God's love is for me. Yet, it's still hard for me to believe or fully grasp it enough to be willing to go some of these dark places with Him that I have avoided - maybe for years.

I'm scared of the fleshly parts of me that want to hold on to these things and not go there with God. And I feel aware of how enticing and inviting sin can feel at first.

A little deep and real and heavy for a Wednesday huh?

But Wednesdays are the days I meet with my new "eating disorder specialist." It's also the day I participate in book two at Grace Group where I get to look at my freaking body outline on a wall for two hours. Wednesday has become a deep and real and heavy day for me.

My only comfort in this "thing" is knowing that God is waiting there with patience and kindness until I am ready to let Him walk around in this crap with me. I have a feeling it will be soon. And probably in the wee hours of the morning.

You know you're a mom of a boy when....

2011-02-08T11:22:00.001-06:00

You go to a meeting and a little red car rolls out of your purse.
Classy huh?

It made me smile though.

Grammy's 75th Birthday

2011-02-07T10:04:00.004-06:00

Saturday night was the long awaited birthday party for my sweet Grammy. It was a memorable and absolutely unforgettable evening!
We started the evening with praise and worship. My dad led us in a few songs and shared a song that my Grammy used to sing a lot called, "People need the Lord."
My Uncle, along with two of my cousins, Aimee and Jonathan, sang an amazing trio of "His Eye is on the Sparrow." It was the most beautiful rendition I've ever heard of that song.
The most memorable part of the evening was Poppy's song to Grammy. He serenaded her with the song, "If I loved you" from the musical Carousel. Years ago when they were both actors and singers, they fell in love while performing in this play together singing this very song. Poppy's voice is still in excellent shape and he can out-sing most anyone. Grammy hasn't sung for quite some time. Before he began singing, a woman at the party prayed and asked the Lord if she would be able to sing the last part of the song with my Poppy. Click here to watch this video and see what happened. We were all in tears!! It was truly the most beautiful and memorable part of the whole night.
We took a few family pictures of our smiling faces. My sister and I....
Cousin-friends!
Grammy with her two sons - my Auntie is in Africa and she should be in this picture too!
During the evening, we had a time of paying tribute to Grammy. Guests were invited to come and share stories or memories they had about knowing my Grammy. It was a time of laughter, tears and celebration.

I presented my Grammy with a special gift. It was a written celebration of who she is - who she is a mother and grandmother too and what characteristics and traits make her who she is.
We sang Happy Birthday to the special lady and she made a wish!

The evening was beautiful and memorable. Parties are often a lot of work and I find myself stressing about details. But they are always worth it when it means celebrating someone very special in your life. The party is over and done, but the memories we made that night will last forever.

Winter Wonderland

2011-02-04T08:43:00.001-06:00

Ya'll. It snowed here. Like real live snow!

This morning, we woke up to this.
I realize that it's only about a tenth of an inch of snow. But, hey. Snow is snow in these parts.
I dressed my son in proper south Texas winter morning snow attire. Pajamas, hunting boots and the warmest jacket we have for our 40 degree winters. He loved the snow.
The last time it snowed in San Antonio, I was almost four years old. There wasn't nearly as much snow as there was then, but it was still fun to play in it for the short time it was on the ground. Since school got cancelled, all of the kids were out on the street playing. Todd and I were the only grown ups outside. All of the other old people on our street were totally missing out. I wanted to take a picture of our next door neighbor's boys. They were trying to make snow angels in their driveway - in a tenth of an inch of snow. Poor things.
It took a while to gather enough snow, but I managed to throw a snowball at Todd. And ya'll - snow is COLD! It was hard forming a snowball in my bare hands. Maybe that's why people have gloves or something?

Tommy had a blast and had a massive meltdown when it was time to go in.
I'm not a big fan of snow and wintry weather, but I have to admit it was fun waking up to a winter wonderland today!

My Grammy

2011-02-03T09:14:00.003-06:00

There are little things that I remember about her growing up.

Like how I used to crawl up into her lap as a child and touch the soft wrinkles on her face and tell her how her skin felt "fluffy."

I remember her gentle voice reading me my favorite book, The Giving Tree.

Packing up my little red suitcase for my overnight stays where we always did something special together like baking pies or cookies. To this day her pies are something I still aspire to.

We used to sit together at her kitchen table carefully going through her "antique" paperdolls. She taught me how to be gentle with the old paper toys and she delighted in watching me squeal over the cute dress I would try on each doll that was found amongst the pages of the old book she kept them in.

I used to watch her dry her hair and put her make up on while running my fingers across her fancy nick-nacks and telling her how one day I'd love to have "the dancing lady." A beautiful and intricate dancing figurine of a woman in a beautiful ruffly dress. She gave her to me when I got married and I cried. It will forever remain an heirloom and precious to me.

There are countless times of prayer and reading of The Daily Bread. I loved listening to her pray and read the Bible. It sounded lovelier when she did it.

I remember her box of old costume jewelry of sparkly clip-on earrings and long necklaces full of faux rubies and emeralds and diamonds and amethysts. I loved putting them on and gazing at myself in the mirror and thought how rich I looked. Dress up was a fun game to play with Grammy.

How even though they have moved a thousand times over the years, her home still always smells like sugar cookies and Nivea cream. It's sweet and inviting and puts you at ease the moment you walk in. I love the smell of her house.

My Grammy loves the Lord. She faithfully prays and reads the word every single day. She is a living testimony of a Godly woman.

I remember how it felt to see her hold Tommy, her great-grandson for the first time.

As I've grown the memories we have made together have changed. We talk more than anything, at least once or twice a week. It's been too long since we've baked a batch of cookies or gone through those old paperdolls. I think maybe it's time to do some of that again.

There is much to remember about Grammy. Thousands of memories to pull from over the years. I am beyond blessed to have had her in my life and my story wouldn't look the same without her beauty all over its pages. She has invested in my heart and has walked through every part of my life with me. I am humbled at God's goodness when I think about the impact she has had on so many parts of my heart throughout the years.

Today Grammy turns 75. A celebration in her honor is planned for this Saturday.
There is much to honor and celebrate for this extraordinary woman whom I love with all of my heart.

I love you my sweet Grammy.

Stream of thoughts

2011-02-01T13:34:00.005-06:00

Things going through my head and heart today....

Much to be done still for Grammy's birthday party and I feel like I'm dropping the ball. Need to order a cake still and get plates and cups and napkins and plasticware. And ice and ice cream. And print pictures and make her gift and....

Todd traced my body outline last night for Grace Group Book #2. It felt as awful and looked as awful as I thought it would. I was ready to throw it out before I had even written anything on it. The next twelve weeks are going to be um, interesting.

I never ceased to be amazed at God's provision and care for us. Received a big and unexpected gift today and I feel humbled and grateful.

My schedule is starting to feel hectic again and I wonder if I'm taking on too much all at once. I guess if I have to wonder that, than I probably am. Yet most of these things feel needed or good for me too.

I signed over the title on my old car today. She's going to be scrapped for parts and that feels tragically sad.

Been more mindful about my eating habits lately and have written down lots of interesting thoughts as a result of it. Uncovering new things here when I thought there was nothing left to uncover. And that fills me with hope because maybe I'm not hopeless after all.

This RA thing just sucks. I couldn't shut the shower knob off this morning because my hands couldn't turn it. It's hard to shut down lies that I'm pathetic or useless when I can't do certain things on my own. The enemy is ruthless at getting me to believe what he has to say.

It feels weird to be back in a place where we are waiting and hoping and trying for a baby again. I forgot how emotional this process was and I think I forgot because it was so hard and painful the first time around. The waiting and trying and hoping and wanting feels wearing and exhausting. And trying to just rest here and keep on living with hope in the midst my longings is just as difficult as it was the first time too.

Sarah comes for our monthly breakfast chat tomorrow morning. I always look forward to her company and our conversations. She's a new friend, but a good and fun and cherished friend.

Medical bills. X-Rays. Blood work. Specialists. Therapists. Taking care of myself is feeling more costly these days.

It's cold today. Making something warm for dinner and bundling up. Wonder if it will snow on Thursday like they are predicting.

I'm turning 30 in a little over a month. THIRTY.

Feeling tender and cared for today. That's always a good feeling.

The Camping Tale

2011-01-31T09:56:00.005-06:00

Once upon a time, a very girly-girl fell in love with a very manly-man. And after four and a half years of wedded bliss, this girly-girl decided to do something she swore she would never do as an adult. CAMP.

Friday evening, we loaded up Todd's car with all of our camping essentials. And I made sure to take a "before" picture.
Todd wasn't able to get the day off like he had hoped. So unfortunately, we didn't get to the campsite until after dark. I spotted a site right next to the bathrooms and that's exactly where we set up camp. Todd put an entire tent up by himself with only two flashlights. And I was the flashlight holder. I was amazed at his mad tent building skills because there was no way I would have ever figured that thing out - especially in the dark.

He gathered firewood and made a fire for us. I even helped and added wood to the fire too.
Though Todd wanted to bring steaks to eat, I insisted that we have hot dogs for our camping dinner. Because I wanted the full camping experience and isn't that what everyone eats when they go camping?

And then after eating hot dogs, I remembered that I don't really like them and wished I had given his steak idea some more thought.
It was quiet and peaceful. I could hear other campers playing guitar and laughing. I could see the glow of a few other campfires through the trees. I was mostly amazed at how many stars I could see in the sky. We don't get to see stars much and it was breathtaking to soak in that scenery. And I know you can't see the stars here in this picture, but I promise - they were so there!
Camping wouldn't be camping without roasting a few marshmallows.
Todd likes to burn his to a crisp.
And I like to cook mine low and slow until they're perfectly gooey on the inside.
And you can only talk and stare at the campfire for so long. So we decided to go to bed.
Overnight our awesome air mattress deflated. When Todd was pumping it up, it blew a hole in it and even though Todd tried to patch it, there was no bringing it back to life. At 1:30 in the morning, I was sinking and Todd was halfway on the floor. We let the air out of the rest of it and then realized that we were far too old to sleep on the ground. The thought of leaving crossed both of our minds, but I decided that sleeping in the ground sounded more inviting than trying to tear a tent down and pack our car in the dark again. Somehow we both managed to sleep some.

In the morning, Todd suggested that we should just go and get home as soon as possible so we could go sleep off the rough night in the comfort of our own bed. To which I replied, "Don't you quit on me! We're gonna finish what we started! Let's at least make breakfast."

Oh and here's proof that I actually slept in a real live tent.
We pulled out our eggs and bacon and orange juice and Todd tried to get his camping oven going. (At this state park you can only have campfires at night?) And sadly, he couldn't get it to work.

This is just further proof that I slept in a tent - because look at me. Wow.
Worn out, ragged, and somewhat defeated we packed up our car and headed home.
Even though there were a few bummers and bumps in our little trip, I have to say that I had a pretty enjoyable time. It wasn't as gross as I thought it would be - there were no bugs or scary animals or disgusting bathroom conditions. And Todd enjoyed sharing in the experience with me. I am pretty sure we will definitely do this again, and even try to bring Tommy along with us or even try to go with a group of friends. I kept saying on the way home, "Next time we go camping...."

I am proud of myself for trying something new, going on an adventure with my husband and doing something with him that he enjoys. And next time we will leave the hot dogs at home and bring a back-up air mattress.

And so, even though the girl was very girly and the man was very manly, they loved each other very very much. There would be more camping and more memories made. And so they will live, happily ever after.

The End.

Gone Campin'

2011-01-28T07:38:00.001-06:00

That's right people. This evening Todd and are heading out to camp. Yes. Me. Camp. I just thought I would clarify.

Especially since I wrote this post a while back.

When you live in south Texas you can camp in January. It will be a blustery cold 40-something at night. There are no freezing temperatures. There is no snow. And I wanted to camp in the "winter" because I figured there are less bugs out this time of year. Bugs ruin everything.

Thankfully Todd knows how to light fires and put up tents and fight off big animals. I don't think I could just go with anyone. My only job on this adventure is to make sure that marshmallows get roasted to perfection - that, I can do.

I thought I would be a little more anxious about our trip, especially since we'll be sleeping in a tent, and I have no idea how far a bathroom is from our location. And because. I'm. Going. Camping. But I'm actually pretty excited about it. Even though it's only for a night, I'm looking forward to my ultra-mini-getaway with Todd.

We'll see how this goes. Maybe he'll make this girly-girl a camper yet!

"Things are so out of amuck "

2011-01-27T10:44:00.005-06:00

I've caught myself making more "to-do" lists in the last couple of days. Does anyone else get a certain amount of satisfaction from making lists and crossing things off as you get them done?

For me, I tend to be more listy when things are starting to unravel and spin out of control. Making lists of things I need to accomplish and then knowing that I've gotten them done tells me that I've been productive. It gives me the illusion that my life is solely in my hands and I should not only be rewarded for my hard work, but tells me that I depend on myself and myself on alone to complete all of the to-do's in life.

I don't think there is anything wrong with to-do lists in general. They're very helpful and essential for being organized. I guess today I am aware of where I am grasping for control, productivity and a sense of peace for things that feel completely of my hands.

Like my RA diagnosis, thinking about the when's, if's and how's of having another baby, Todd's Uncle Mike who is not recovering well from open-heart surgery and my car breaking down and needing to replace it.

When I see things starting to spin and realize that I can't change them, I reach out for every place that I can.

I go into cleaning mode and get my house in order from top to bottom. I wash every item of laundry and put every item of clothing away. I organize and reorganize closets. I iron clothes. I get on the scale more often to monitor my weight. None of those things are particularly bad really. But those obsessive behaviors clue me in to something going on deeper in my heart.

I just crumpled up my most recent "to-do" list and threw it in the trash. It's time to relax and rest and just breathe for a bit. No cleaning or organizing allowed.

Yes, I cried

2011-01-26T07:09:00.000-06:00

They towed her away yesterday morning.
And I stood at the window and cried....

Very Aggressive - RA Update

2011-01-25T10:06:00.006-06:00

This morning I went to see my Rheumatologist for my follow up appointment. I have been feeling so much better these past two weeks. Only some pain and stiffness but nothing that has kept me from being mobile or interfering with any daily activities. Needless to say, I was expecting good news today.

I found out that my Rheumatoid Arthritis is not just aggressive. It's very aggressive. My doctor said that a normal number is a 5 - my number was 112. She said that this has been caught very early on and my case is very hopeful. My bones and joints currently show no signs of eroding and look perfect. What this means is that I will have to see her every three months, probably forever. Blood work will be looked at often and I will have x-rays done once a year to closely monitor any changes. She recommends that I go on a certain medication for my type of RA. But since we are still wanting to expand our family, I'm not going to be starting on this yet.

Weeks ago, God put it on my heart to trust Him with something that felt big. I decided to go off of birth control and leave the timing of our next child in His hand rather than controlling it myself. That has felt foolish and risky especially since there are so many factors that the world would tell us that we are not ready to welcome another baby into our lives - financially, emotionally, physically, etc. And didn't we just get two new cars? *sigh* And am I ready for this? And can I even get pregnant again? And, and, and?

I spend so much time trying to figure out what God is up to and trying to figure out the why's of my life. Maybe that's wasteful and that's not where I should be focusing all of my energy. I don't think we will ever know or understand the why's behind our lives here. That's something to be revealed when we are present with Him in heaven. God never promised easy, comfortable, pain-free and stable. He only promised that He would be with us in it.

As I drove to work this morning, all I kept hearing over and over in my head were the words, "He's got you," that my friend Lib gave to me several weeks ago.

I've got you Jennifer. I've got you. I AM.

I'm scared yes. I'm curious about what the future will look like. And yet I am excited about the new things He is writing into my story. He is far more imaginative and creative than I could ever be. I am grateful for the new places He has invited me to trust Him with. And I am mindful of where we still need to go together.

Thank you Lord for using all things to draw me to your heart...

The Story of Sassy

2011-01-24T10:16:00.004-06:00

The year of 2005 was the year I refer to as my "bleach-blonde" year. And I suppose I should quit calling it that, because it ended up being one of the most redeeming years of my life. Yes, I had bleach-blonde hair, but the color of my hair was more than making some kind of fashion statement. It was an insight to where my heart was at during that time. I hated who I was to the core and set out to make the old me disappear.

A certain chain of events led up to this great wooing of my heart and calling me back to God's arms where I ended up discovering that He had never left me like I thought He had.

To write out the entire story leading up to this one certain event would be a lengthy undertaking. And it feels difficult to to pick and choose bits of this story to share here.

I had spent most of that year living dangerously and violently. I had been devastated and heartbroken by one of the kindest men I had ever met. Because of this heartbreak and other undealt with issues, I set out to kill every longing and desire I ever had by hurting every part of myself. I still tear up when I think about those times and how grateful I am to God for coming to my rescue and loving me in the midst of it.

Toward the end of this awful season, I attended a church service. Going was an attempt to salvage something with a friend of mine, and while I wasn't crazy about going to church, I knew I didn't want to lose our friendship. I remember standing with my arms crossed during the worship service and trying my best to shut out every song. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to talk to God and I was hoping time would fly by so I could just get out of there. When we sat down, the pastor came up to the podium and I swear, looked me straight in the eye.

He said, "Are you angry at God today? Are you running from Him?" I thought I was going to fall out of my pew in shock. I cursed at God and asked him how the (bleep) He knew I would be there that day. I tried my best to not listen to the pastor, but his words got in and I began to soften. I ran out when it was over and remember having a miserable afternoon with a man I was seeing at the time.

By the end of that week, the car I had been driving forever died in the parking lot of a Brake Check. I pulled over when it was overheating and after it was diagnosed learned that it was beyond repair. I was left without mobility and knew that I could no longer go out and live like I had been. A friend drove me to work and my step-mom picked me up. That week felt long and my heart was aching. I was at my angriest with God and all I could manage to speak to Him were yells and screams of my hurt and pain.

On that Saturday afternoon, I got a call from my friend saying that she was going to stop by and see me. She pulled into my driveway in a car that I had never seen before. When she came to the door I asked her,

"Where's your car?"

"Um. Not here?" She said.

"Well, what's this car?" I thought maybe she was driving a rental or something while having her car worked on.

"It's yours." She said smiling.

We had a conversation over the next few minutes where she said things to me that I will never forget. She explained of her love of me and how much she valued our friendship. And she told me that she had some money in the bank and was considering where she wanted to invest it. After weighing her options, she decided that she wanted to invest in me.

I was dumbfounded and speechless. I couldn't believe this was happening. Her words felt so kind and sweet that I wasn't sure how to process them. Shortly after, we drove to the dealership. She wrote out a check and I signed the paperwork as the owner of the vehicle. I drove home in my new-used car. And it wasn't just any car.

It was beautiful cherry red. It had a sunroof, a CD player and AIR CONDITIONING. It had a spoiler on the back and it was cute and fun and had an attitude. I named her "Sassy."

The car carried much meaning for me. It wasn't just because my friend had done such a huge thing for me. It was more than that. Here I was, still very much in a dark place and angry at God, and He extended grace to me. He did something good for me. I remember realizing that day that God's goodness is not conditional upon my own. God is good because He is good, not because I am. His grace was displayed in all of it's glory and manifested itself in a beautiful cherry red Saturn. It wasn't a piece of junk car falling apart. It was a fun and cute and spunky car with all the bells and whistles - it suited me and my personality well. Oh how He loves us! (I'm crying again!)

The rest of the story is history. I went to a life-changing retreat. I met my husband. 2005 was anything but just my bleach-blonde year. It was a year of redemption and grace and beauty and glorious displays of God's rich love for ME!

The friendship I've had with this person has lasted through the years. I've often wondered if she's seen a return on her investment, as being a good and true friend to others is something I am still learning how to be.

At the end of last year, Sassy fell ill. I had some car troubles and became a nervous wreck anytime I drove because she would stall out and die anytime I drove. Todd's parents were very gracious and kind and helped us with car repair expenses, and I also felt the weight that they were carrying for us.

Yesterday, we spent the DAY at the dealership and I got a new car. I think buying our house felt less complicated. We were there for eight hours, and by the end of the day, I drove home in a new vehicle. (As did Todd - he traded in the Envoy for something with better gas mileage).

My friend was the first person I texted yesterday about getting a new car. And she sent me a message this morning:

"So Sassy came at your returning to God/meeting Todd stage...the beginning of trusting in God in new ways and finding freedom and peace in Him. While it's never an opportune time for a car to die, your season of life now is so different. Maybe this next car will lead you to new heights of freedom and trusting Him where it's hard."

I cried at her words for me. Sassy had been such a symbol to me of God's grace. And this car? Wasn't it just a car now?

It symbolizes something too - especially where I've been lately with trusting God with things that feel big and hard and terrifying. It symbolizes newness, change, hope, of taking care of myself, of getting help, of growing up, of trusting God with His timing, of believing that He really loves me and cares about me. Yes, this car speaks of much for me and where I am in life right now.

And I know, I know. It's just a car right? It's really not. ALL things are a blessing and a gift from God and I pray I don't ever see my things as just things.

Here is "Coco." A 2011 Nissan Versa in espresso-black. Small, comfortable, and affordable. Both the style and color feel quite grown up to me. Isn't she lovely?

Thank you Lord for providing and for loving me so creatively, lavishly and wildly.

Eighteen Months

2011-01-21T07:00:00.002-06:00

I am the mother of a toddler. A very busy, active, rambunctious toddler! He is eighteen months old today, which is kind of hard to believe. Just a year ago, he was only six months old! Boy how time flies when you have a little boy in the house.

I haven't done a month-by-month progress report on Tommy since he turned a year old. But I thought eighteen months was a significant age to do update on all of his latest tricks and quirks. And he will be two in six months - another party to think about planning!

Some fun Tommy facts:

Weight: Almost 27 pounds

Height: I will find out exact measurements at the doctor visit today, but I know he is tall for his age. Most people seem to be in shock to find out that he's only 18 months. Which is weird because I don't think he's that tall....

Size: He wears clothes ranging from 18 months to 2T depending on the brand or item of clothing. He is smaller in pants than he is in tops.

Teeth: Twelve from what I can see. I don't venture into his mouth much these days unless I care to be bitten. He has molars on the top and bottom, but he is missing a few teeth in between the top and bottom rows and his molars. He has been chewing on things a lot lately, so perhaps the last few are trying to come in.

Favorite foods: Cottage cheese, green beans, broccoli, turkey lunch meat, fish, strawberries, french fries, beans and bread of any kind. He loves sweets, but I try to keep that mostly at graham crackers and vanilla wafers.

Least favorite foods: Most fruits, cheese by itself (it has to be in a sandwich), noodles - he won't touch pasta or even macaroni and cheese!

Words: Dad, Mama, bye-bye, all done, woof, moo, stinky, yes, no yeah, bib, hi, whoa, and "Cheese!" when smiling for the camera. Interesting word choices don't you think?

Favorite toys: Toy keyboard, Hot Wheels, Fire Truck and his Handy Manny toolbox - and of course Mommy's utensils, Tupperware and items that he tries to sneak out of the pantry.

Favorite TV shows: Elmo's World on Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, Dora the Explorer and Wonder Pets.

Other random Tommy facts:

He sleeps with a little yellow bear and his "taggie" blanket every night. Now that we don't have a pacifier anymore, these are definitely essential for sleep time! We also put some green LED night lights in his room as he was waking up screaming like he was scared of something. Not sure if these have helped yet, but he definitely approves of them. He'll say "ooooo" when we plug them in and he likes to go up and kiss them for some reason. Haha, oh my son!
Speaking of the pacifier, he seemed to adjust fine without it. No major drama or meltdowns, which only showed me that he was really ready to let it go like I thought. I'm relieved going cold turkey on paci removal didn't result in catastrophic events!

He loves to give kisses - and to almost everyone that asks for them too!

Every morning I go in to get him up, he greets me with an excited, "Hi!" He also says "hi" anytime he walks into a new room.

He loves to play "Where's Tommy?" He will go hide and then run out and fully expects you to get excited at his return. It's a very fun game.

He runs to the bathroom when he knows it's time for a bath. He loves, loves, loves, taking a bath!

He sings - I have yet to capture it on video because when I pull the camera out, he stops. But it's the most precious thing in the world and I so hope he grows up to sing!

He loves books - he loves to be read to, loves to look at them and gets very excited about reading. I hope this continues!The mornings I am home, he will go to our bedroom door after breakfast calling for Todd by saying "Daaaaaaddd!" It's very cute and then it makes me sad when he's not there!

He enjoys brushing his teeth. I do it for him and then let him do it after so he can practice too.

He is still cautious and careful and shy when warming up to people in new settings. He has to feel at ease and comfortable with people before acting like his real self.

He is starting to learn to eat with a fork and spoon. He can put the food in his mouth, but we're working on scooping things up!We are entering into the era of tantrums and fit-throwing. When he doesn't get his way or gets upset, he definitely has something to say about it. He yells, throws things, hits himself or the nearest object to him - which I've found odd because Todd and I don't model this behavior at home. I think it's time for us to pick up a parenting book or two!

He has started yelling out "Mama!" and oh how I love to hear it and be called mama...

Mommy thoughts:

Some days I still can't believe I am a mom, much less a mom to this incredibly cute little boy. I am feeling the weight of how I am impacting and shaping his life as his mother and it feels scary and big sometimes. I remember one day, on a particularly grumpy day I was having, I growled to myself or made some noise like that in response to some aggravation. He started to mimic the noise and to this day still growls when is experiencing some kind of displeasure or disappointment. It's been a reminder to me that he is watching me, listening to me and paying attention to me in ways that I can't fully grasp. It's amazing and terrifying at the same time and I have to ask God every day to help me with this whole parenting gig. I know I won't get everything right, but I desire to model good and healthy and kind behaviors to my children - and that is much harder than I thought because I am SO human!

There are these moments when he is calm and quiet or just incredibly happy and joyful that I forget about everything else going on in my world. He brings me such joy. My life is FULL with him. And though life can feel complicated, I can't imagine my world without his tears and laughs and singing and graham cracker crusted kisses.
Todd and I have started talking about what it might be like to add another little one to our family. I have many differing feelings about it, but I will say that we are trusting God here with the timing and leaving it in His hands. We have no idea if it's even possible, but are open to what He wants for us. It feels exciting to think about Tommy having a little brother or sister one day though....

In six months, Tommy will be turning two. Toddler beds and potty training are on the horizon and I am kind of full of dread about them both as they are quite life altering! I am in no hurry for these six months to pass, so slow down little boy.
Tommy saying "Cheese" for the camera. Oh how I love you my darling boy.

Gramma and Me

2011-01-20T08:45:00.005-06:00

I have been blessed to have amazing Grandparents with whom I share very close relationships with. My Poppy, my Grammy, and my Gramma are like friends to me. I call them up and talk to them regularly. I share my life with them and theirs with me. Unlike my Poppy and Grammy though, my relationship with Gramma started later in life.

Our closeness came after my mom died when I was 18. Since then, we have seen God's redemptive work in how our relationship has flourished. We share something together that we both would have liked to share with mom. God works all things together for good - and in this case, has brought a Grandmother and a Granddaughter in close and intimate relationship because of a great loss. There is nothing we can't talk about with one another and I have cherished our conversations and closeness and ability to be real with one another.

I called her this morning to ask her if I could share a little bit of her story on my blog today. To which she said, "My life is an open book, you can write whatever you want!"

After the New Year my Gramma decided to go to the doctor. This was something she hasn't done in a long time and she decided this was going to be the year that she took care of herself and quit putting a "bandaid" on things as she put it. She found out some news about her health in regards to her blood pressure and her heart and she is having to make some major changes to her diet as a result of it. But, she's bound and determined to be here and be healthier and she is committed to making these changes. I also promised her another "surprise" party if she lived to be 100 so this could very well be all about another party. I kid of course.

Gramma and I have shared similar struggles. We both have weight and food issues. At times we've been our best encouragers, and at other times we've been our best enablers. But we have always understood one another and where we are at. It's a place I have often wished I could make everyone see or understand about people who struggle with obesity and food to the extent that we have.

I can't tell you how many times both of us at one point or another have "given this over to God." Believe me, if there was a magic prayer for that, we've tried to pray it. I think our stories are big and complex here, and for me, it has taken a lot of time and much grieving to uncover layer after layer of what drives me to do what I do with food. There is no book or diet or prayer that has been the single answer for me. I think He is using all things to bring healing to my soul where I have been damaged and where I do damage. I have longed for this process to look simpler or easier and it hasn't. We are all different and unique and no one thing works for everyone. Gramma has felt the same way, and at the age of almost 76, she is finally in a place where she is letting go of things and experiencing God's healing of her heart here.

It seems as though God has been working on us in similar places as of late. Not just the losing weight part. I mean really taking care of ourselves and not ignoring things that need attention in our hearts or our bodies anymore. God seems to be calling us both to more here and it feels exciting and encouraging to be walking alongside of a woman like her in this journey. Our processes for weight loss are going to look different, but we are both in a place of actively seeking help.

Starting next week, I'll be meeting with an eating disorder specialist. Which sounds kind of technical or sterile. But in searching for someone to help me with this specific issue, I found a familiar name and face and nearly cried when I saw who it was. After being in counseling/therapy for a while now, I have come to realize the value and importance of such a thing and that I need it in order to find healing and restoration. I also have some plans for diet and nutrition as well and might share some of that here later. But the point is, I'm getting help. I've reached a place where I need it and want it and I've had to get here on my own, in my own time, just like Gramma has for herself. And the exciting thing to think about is that we are both right on time with all of this. We're not late - even at 76 and almost 30, we are right on time!

My Gramma has always been inspiring to me. Her joy and laughter are contagious. She complains about pain or circumstances very rarely. She seeks the Lord and prays fervently all the time. She encourages me to write and to sing and pursue my passions. She inspires me to want more and do more and go for more.

I am blessed to know her and be part of her and not just call her Gramma, but my friend.
I am excited and hopeful as I think about all that God is transforming in our hearts and minds and bodies right now.

He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it....He makes all things beautiful in HIS time and not our own.

Heavy

2011-01-18T10:47:00.005-06:00

There is something to be said for reality television. And I'm not talking about the silly shows that I often find myself engrossed in like The Bachelor or Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

I mean the kinds of reality shows that capture real people in real situations and they don't cut out the messy parts. I know for me that shows like this remind me that I'm not alone. That people have real lives, real problems, real addictions, real sorrows and that people are in need of something or some ONE to save them from it all.

A&E is famous for capturing "real" people in these tragic circumstances. They are the channel that air shows like Hoarders and Intervention. Shows that I've watched with sorrow and have found myself weeping for the families and where addictions or tragedy has found them in places of desperation. The shows are graphic and disturbing and I admit that sometimes I watch because it feels hard to believe that someone could allow their home to become THAT full of dirt and filth or act THAT crazy when high on heroine.

There is a new show on this channel and it premiered last night. I didn't want to miss it. It's called "Heavy." The show tracks the journeys of two individuals every week who are in a situation where it means to lose weight or die. It's a far cry from another popular weight loss show who are known for dropping 30 and 40 pounds in a week - which to me has always seemed impossible or insane. These two people struggled and fought and lost good and healthy amounts of weight in a good and healthy amount of time.

I watched the first episode with tears streaming down my face most of the time. I cried at every clip of previews of the upcoming episodes. I cried at the video footage of men and women and recognized where parts of my body looked like theirs. I cried when I saw their anger because I knew what that anger felt like. I cried when I saw them push others away, because I've done that and I do that still. I cried when I saw them order enough fast food for several people - because I've been there. I cried when I saw them try to give up - because I do that often. I cried. And I cried.

After it was over I had to sit in silence and weep. Some for them, some for me. I just knew that I hurt. Todd held me and I wasn't alone. Yet I wept.

I'm feeling tender this morning. I'm also sitting in the reality of knowing that I need help with this - real help. I'm curious about what that could look like for me right now and I don't know yet. I just know that I can't do this alone and I've been trying to.

Heavy. Yes. Not just my body. My heart....

Soggy Days

2011-01-17T10:39:00.004-06:00

The weather here has been foggy and drizzly and gloomy for days upon days here. Sometimes I enjoy a gray overcast sky. It feels comforting and relaxing and it invites me to rest and sleep and stay warm in my home and just be.

But after a while, I find myself longing for sunshine again. I need it. I miss it. And actually I do need the sunshine - hello Vitamin D!

This morning as I went into my closet to find something to wear, my hands ran across the spring and summer side of my wardrobe. I wanted to wear something vibrant and colorful. Something with jean capris and cute sandals. I suppose I could have. But it wouldn't feel right. It's just not time yet.

January is a quiet and sluggish month. Between the blah weather and lots of work and the after holiday-buzz and staring at my bare home, it feels easy to find myself in this discontent state waiting for the next big thing to happen. Like Valentines Day. Spring. My birthday. Wearing jean capris and cute sandals again.... It always feels hard for me to really live in the here and the now. Especially on a gross soggy day like we've had about umpteen days in a row now. I just want the next thing.

I wonder what it would look like for me to live in the day I've been given and really live in it and instead of waiting for tomorrow and looking forward to the next big thing. I wonder what I'm missing out on, who I am missing, and what I'm missing out on sharing with God. I know there is more and I want some of it....

I interrupt this busy work season to bring you a minor announcement

2011-01-13T14:30:00.006-06:00

While I've been reading blogs about how everyone is stuck inside due to snow and ice, it's been quite the opposite here in good ol' San Antonio.

It's been cold. Like Todd has even worn a light jacket and everything - which means he thinks it's a bit cool so it MUST be.

But no snow or ice for us and I don't mind. I wouldn't mind an ice day to stay home and play all day, but that's happened to us before and I just go stir crazy in the house. By this weekend it will be back in the glorious 60's and I couldn't be happier about our forecast.

Right now is one of the busiest times of year for me with work. All of these brain-tasking things have kind of stifled my creative writing abilities which has left me nothing to write about today other than work and the weather. *snooze*

But, as a bookkeeper, there is MUCH to be done in the month of January. It really comes down to tax forms galore and a crapload of filing. I have two part-time bookkeeping jobs and right now, it feels more like full-time. I'm definitely ready for the month of January to come to a close so I can go back to needing to access the smarter parts of my brain on a less frequent basis.

And I felt the need to write "minor" announcement in the title of this post as it seems if there's an announcement to make in the blogosphere than someone must be pregnant. I assure you, I am not.

And the minor announcement is?

An official camping trip is scheduled for Todd and I at the end of the month. Which if you know anything about me or have read my blog for any amount of time know that this isn't something I usually EVER do. So yeah. I felt the need to hype this up a bit.

Honestly, I'm really looking forward to it. And not just because Todd and I aren't able to get away together often. I think this little adventure will be fun and I'm excited to do this with him. I really wanted to make more of an effort this year to do things with Todd that he enjoys, and that will of course mean many more outdoorsy things. And before I go try to shoot or catch anything, I need to conquer my camping phobias.

So apparently I'll be celebrating the end of my busy work month by sleeping in a tent and watching Todd build a fire. I just hope we don't get any bad weather like everyone else is having to keep us from going!

Keep warm folks! It's cold out there!

I need me some Vitamin D

2011-01-11T11:31:00.004-06:00

It was an early morning for both Todd and I. We had to leave the house by 7:00am to arrive at my new Rheumatologist's office 30 minutes before my scheduled appointment.

I have a "Rheumatologist" now. Weird.

Typically, I am pretty on edge when I have to go the doctor for anything. I developed a doctor phobia in childhood and as an adult this has lessened some with age as I have been more brave about going to see the doctor when I need to in efforts to actually take care of myself and not just when something is wrong. But I still get anxious and worried. Except this morning I felt calm and almost excited because this day was finally here and I was going to be able to get answers to all of my questions.

We were ushered in to a room way before my scheduled time. My doctor was friendly and kind and her presence put me at ease. She squeezed my hands and elbows and feet and knees to check for what kinds of pain I was having. She asked me questions. She went over the blood work with me that I had done before seeing her.

She explained to me that Rheumatoid Arthritis is an auto-immune disease. Sometimes our blood cells get confused, usually when under stress, and decide to attack themselves. It feels weird knowing that my own body was attacking itself. That sounded violent to me. And it spoke volumes of the amount of stress and emotional angst I was in during that time as well.

My numbers for RA were through the roof. At the time I had blood drawn I could hardly move though. And since I had steroids and have been off the them, the pain and my inability to function has never been as severe as it was. Since I have not experienced that again, I have been hopeful that even though my numbers were through the roof THEN doesn't mean that they are that way NOW.

It also turns out that I have a major Vitamin D deficiency. A lack of Vitamin D to the extent that I am at will cause severe joint pain. Even though I do have RA, a Vitamin D deficiency contributes a lot to the pain I am experiencing. She is putting me on a prescription level of Vitamin D for now and then I have to be very purposeful about taking a multi-vitamin to maintain my Vitamin D levels.

More blood was drawn today. Several x-rays were taken as well. Every time the machine took a picture of my bones, I could literally hear a "Cha-Ching!" sound that reminded me that this whole ordeal was going to be pretty costly even after the insurance covers its portion. *sigh*

Results will come back in two weeks telling us the level that my Rheumatoid Arthritis is at and if I will need further treatment. Right now I am praying that this disease is not aggressive. If it is not, I will simply take an anti-inflammatory every morning and be sure to watch my Vitamin D levels. However, an aggressive RA will mean taking a medication that will most definitely complicate things a bit, especially in regards to getting pregnant. We will have some decisions to make at that point, and that feels very weighty to think about.

However I feel very full of peace today. From the moment I woke up, to seeing the doctor, to even thinking about the possibilities of what this all means. I feel at total peace about it. Which may have something to do with where I've been with God lately (yesterday's post explains that). I just can rest and have peace knowing that He's got all of this planned out. I'm going to be okay. We are going to be okay. He knows my future and I know and believe and trust that He's totally got me in this. It feels good to be able to not just write that, but believe with all my heart that it's true.

So I will be waiting some more for another two weeks. In the meantime, I am just going to continue to rest in this peace I have, get some Vitamin D in this body of mine and keep on....

"He's got you."

2011-01-10T13:35:00.002-06:00

My Grandfather (who I affectionately call "Poppy") gave me some memorable words about a year and a half ago. His words came after a huge need had been met for us. I was pregnant with Tommy and stressing about how we would make ends meet during the time I was out of work. I had some big questions for God that day. I had worded things about my relationship with God in a way that I never had before, and I was sitting in the weight of my fear really looked like.

On this day, God showed up big time and met a substantial need for us ensuring that we would be okay while I was out of work. There was nothing left to worry or stress about during the remainder of my pregnancy. I was stunned and amazed at how it all unfolded and I have never forgotten how I felt that day. I had not been forgotten by Him. He had remembered me. He had me.

I called my Grandparents to share this story with them and we all cried over the phone and praised God at what He had done. And then my Poppy gave me the words that have literally haunted me ever since.

"Jennifer, remember this day. Remember what God has done here today. Because there will come a time that He will want you to trust Him with something more. Something bigger or something that feels even scarier than this. And remember this day, because He will be there then, just as He is now."

At the time, I didn't want to think about what that someday thing could possibly be. But my heart knew that the day would come.

Then last year happened and I trusted God with one of the biggest and scariest things ever. Quitting my full time job and trusting that He had me in that too. And He did of course. I couldn't possibly imagine anything bigger or scarier than removing a huge salary from our financial equation. But oh. Life is so much more than just money and finances.

Since the new year began, I have just been kind of miserable. I've been getting through each day in survival mode, feeling void of joy or hope. I have not been living well. My heart has ached this familiar ache and until this weekend, I ignored it.

God has been asking me to trust Him with something BIG. And like a child, I've had this, "But I don't wanna!" attitude about it. This thing He wants me to trust Him with feels far more terrifying than anything I've tried to let go of before. There are things I've been trying to control on my own, and in this controlling I am completely leaving Him out of a good chunk of my life and heart and living independently of Him rather than dependently on Him. Keeping Him at a distance has come with a cost, and I can't afford to live this way anymore.

I want Him to have all of my heart. Not just the parts that I feel "ready" to give Him. I especially want Him to have the parts that I've been desperately clinging to so that I could make life work the way I thought I wanted it go. Because I don't know what I need or want anymore, and that shouldn't even matter. I think maybe I want what He wants for me. Though it feels scary to want for all of this.

I finally let Todd in on what was going on inside of me yesterday afternoon. It's weird how even though we talk about real things all the time, that there can sometimes be things I hold back on because I feel like they're just too much or I'm scared to voice them out loud because that always makes everything more real. And once I finally got it out, I felt relief and I felt lighter because I wasn't carrying it alone anymore.

I corresponded with a friend of mine last week about some of this and she said: "What I'm saying is this....no matter what happens to you, He's got you. No matter what pain you endure in the future, He's got you, and if you let Him, He will redeem some of the hard things that don't make sense. Let go, stop worrying about the fear and all of the "what-ifs" because the reality is, you have NO idea what's gonna happen and you have no control of any of it - and thinking that you do will only drive you insane."

"He's got you," she said,

What would it look like for me to believe that He has me?

Where are the places that I am believing the lies that He doesn't have me?

What could I let go of if I really believed that He had me?

I don't have the answers to all of those questions yet. But I do know that I want to live a life dependent on Him. I have evidence and proof of places He has had me before - so why wouldn't He have me now?

As I wrote this, a song came on my Pandora station that I haven't heard in a long time. It feels like a fitting note to end on as I ponder what it is like to be in His hands rather than operating out of my own.

He has you. Do you believe that today?

Hiatus

2011-01-06T11:53:00.004-06:00

I haven't been able to breathe out of my right nostril for three days. It has officially surrendered to cedar pollen and is closed for business.

Being a bookkeeper for two different places keeps me plenty busy the first few weeks of January. Doing taxes and triple-checking them to make sure they're done right, filing old files, making new files, getting out W-2's, creating end of year reports, and the list goes on. My brain is working overtime and I'm seeing P&L reports in my dreams.

Between allergies and lack of brain cells there's not much else to share right now. At least not that I can cohesively gather and write down.

Hopefully I'll be back here soon. With both nostrils completely intact.

This and That

2011-01-03T10:09:00.003-06:00

All of the Christmas decorations are nestled back in their boxes. The house is clean and everything is back in it's usual space. I can't help but feeling like my house is bare. Fall and Christmas decorations that are up from August through December have a way of making my house feel warmer and homier. Without leaf garlands or vases filled with glass ornaments, my home feels a bit sterile. I now must resist the urge to go shopping for everyday home decor....

This year I felt ambivalent about putting all of the decorations away. I was sad to see the holidays come to an end and glad that it was time for things to go back to normal too.

Our New Year was quiet. Todd and I went out on a little date Thursday night and had a mediocre meal and saw a mediocre movie. But it was wonderful company and we enjoyed the time out for just the two of us. We made New Year Resolutions together and wrote them on a napkin. It feels good to have things that we are working towards together - for our marriage and family and life together. We are so different and yet we desire and hope for the same things. After he finished delivering pizza on Friday night we watched a movie and missed the whole countdown to midnight.

We got a Wii for Christmas and spent part of the weekend trying out some of the new games. I've never publicly admitted this before, but we are kind of Wheel of Fortune junkies. I love the show and watch it almost every night....so naturally, one of the games we got for our new Wii was the Wheel of Fortune game. I won the first round and Todd won the second. We also started a puzzle - which has been kind of fun to do together actually. Todd and I love to go places and do fun things, but we are also homebodies and love to just be home together.
Today is day one of going cold turkey on the paci situation. Tommy has chewed holes in every single pacifier. I was a little worried that he would bite it off all together and choke, not to mention how gross it is to see it filled with Tommy spit. Ew. So, they all went in the trash this morning. I'm mostly worried about my own sanity in it all. Because the paci was the device that made him be quiet when we needed to be in public together. There's no going back though....
Poor guy, he's not gonna know what hit him comes naptime today.
It's a big birthday year for my family. My Grammy turns 75, my dad turns 50 and I turn THIRTY. All before the end of March. It's time to do some party planning and I am already on it. And I'm pretty sure it's going to be difficult for me to keep my fingers out of my own party.

My first appointment with the rheumatologist is next Tuesday. Since I've been off the steroids that my doctor gave me I've had some pain, but it's not nearly as unbearable as it was to begin with. I am trying to remain hopeful that I won't have to be on steroids long term to treat the RA. Every morning that I wake up able to walk and sit without difficulty and move my hands and dress myself are new places that I'm grateful for and give thanks to God for the ability to do. I'm very much looking forward to having some of my questions answered next week.

I'll be making homemade stew for dinner. Crock-pot cooking makes me feel more domestic. Which is silly because the crock-pot does all the work and I take all the credit.

And that's it for today. The first Monday of the New Year and life is back to the non-holiday "normal."

Resolutions for MORE

2010-12-31T07:00:00.002-06:00

I'm not one for making New Year's Resolutions usually. Mostly because I have a tendency to quit or be incredibly non-committal or flighty and resolutions just highlight my failures. I just finished reading some statistic that said only 12% of people who make New Year's Resolutions actually follow through with them. Yikes.

Regardless, I wanted to make some New Year's Resolutions this year. It feels like in setting goals there is a certain measure of hope in doing that. There is hope that I can change and be different and move towards being something more than I am. Because there is more to life and more to me and I want to live that way.

My cousin-friend reminded me the other night that I have a choice. I get to choose how I want to live life. That resonated with me and leaves me feeling empowered because I often forget that and tend to believe that I'm just stuck with how I am or things will always be how they are and I'm powerless to change any of it.

And yesterday my friend B texted me one line - "You are more..." she said. It's a new song by Tenth Avenue North which is awesome. It kind of feels like my life theme song perhaps. But it's true. I am more. I've been remade.

I hope my "resolutions" are reflective of the ever-changing person I want to be as I live and grow. I want more, I want to be more, I want to be called to more and I want to call others to more.

In 2011 I want MORE!

- Lose more weight.

- Exercise more. Even if it just means taking a walk.

- Drink more water.

- Eat more regular food and less fast-food.

- Put more money into savings.

- Sing more.

- Write and journal more.

- Cry more.

- Go to church more and get plugged in - even with our weird schedules.

- Do more Bible study - either on my own or with some kind of group. Cause I miss it and need it.

- Pay off more debt.

- Plan more meals (and healthier ones) at home.

- Be a more faithful and consistent friend.

- Kiss my husband passionately more - like every single day. (We decided on this one together!)

- Play more with Tommy.

- Ask for help more instead of isolating.

- Rest more.

- Be kind to myself more. Give myself a break more. Extend myself grace more - because God does.

Farewell 2010 and Hello 2011. Here's to MORE!

Happy New Year!

2010 - Year in Pictures

2010-12-30T08:55:00.004-06:00

I thought it would be fun to do a year in pictures today. I chose one picture for each month of the year with a little snippet for each photo. It's fun to look back on the year in pictures.....

January.....my little boy grew and grew.
February.....our whole family attended my cousin Jon's last high school musical.
March.....Todd traded his truck in for a less expensive vehicle.
April.....Celebrated Gramma's 75th birthday.
May.....Dedicated Tommy to the Lord on Mother's Day.
June....Todd's first official Father's Day.
July.....Tommy turned a year old!
August....My baby became a toddler and started walking.
September.....Our good friend's moved away.
October.....We tried to take family pictures in the pumpkin patch.
November.....We were thankful for each other.
December.....We enjoyed the season all around us!
It's been a full year. What does your year look like in pictures?

Rheumatoid Arthritis

2010-12-29T07:05:00.002-06:00

I confess that I often bee-bop through life hoping to avoid life's greater unpleasantries. Sometimes I access God's infinite power for things like "Please God, don't let my car stall on me again on the way home. I don't want to get stuck on the highway!" kinds of prayers and leave Him out of the rest of my day. I spend more time trying to figure Him out and what He could possibly be doing rather than just resting and living in His goodness. And if any major life hiccup comes my way, my questions are often (well probably always) for Him. His trustworthiness and faithfulness and love for me come into question yet again.

Are you really good? Are you really for me? Do you really love me? Are you going to leave me alone in this?

I still have the same questions for Him even though He has proven Himself to me time and time again. It feels somewhat embarrassing to admit that my questions are still there and that they still arise any time I experience some kind of negative circumstance. I'm not sure what that says about my spiritual maturity or my faith; I just know it's where I am still at.

My blood results came back positive for Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I don't know what this means really yet. I'm just supposed to schedule an appointment with the rheumatologist that my doctor recommended and go from there. I found out from my Gramma that my mom carried the gene for it seeing as my Grandpa had it as well as others on her side of the family. It's a genetic thing and it is in my genes. Stupid genes. They are both a blessing and a curse aren't they?

Hopefully I will have more answers in the coming weeks, but for now I just have questions.

Why me? Why now? Why this? Aren't I too young for this? Will I have to take medicine every day to treat it? Can I still have children if I'm taking medication? Am I going to use the ability in my hands entirely someday? How much pain will I have to live with on a daily basis? How is this going to affect my body day-to-day?

I know it's not a death sentence and there could be far worse things. Life goes on and continues and I guess it just feels weird knowing that this is going to be something I have to live with now. I've always been a healthy person. I rarely get bugs that go around, I get sick maybe once a year, and despite being overweight I don't (at least for now) have things like high cholesterol or high blood pressure or diabetes or other things that come with obesity. So it feels just "weird" to have this label stuck on me now as someone with a disorder or defect or a deficiency or a disease. Ew. What ugly "D" words.

I am left wondering what God is writing into my story and how I'll have the opportunity to write with Him as it all unfolds.

2010 - Year in Review

2010-12-27T13:08:00.008-06:00

Since I started blogging a few years ago, one of the things I have enjoyed is being able to go back and read where I've been on my journey. Even though I often write about seemingly meaningless or random happenings, I enjoy keeping this blog as a "catalog" of sorts of just everyday life. After three years of writing "Simply Jenn-Sational," I've finally developed a style which is uniquely me. I'm kind of a hodge-podge kind of a blogger. But, whether I write about decorating or missing my mom or my struggles with weight or my relationship with God, I hope I continue to be real here. To just be me, even if it looks messy. I may never have hundreds of followers or comments - and at one point I really cared about having that. But this blog is for me and I wanted to remind my readers of that as I much as I wanted to remind myself.

I expect this post to be quite lengthy. This year-in-review thing is more to make a record of events than anything else - again, for my own sake of wanting to "look back." So if you read on, get comfortable and get something yummy to drink. I'll be here a while....

With the new year quickly approaching, I am finding myself in the familiar place of reflectiveness as I think back on another year soon to be left in the past. This year has felt big in many ways because of how I've just grown as a woman and wife and mother. It's been big for me - not because I've accomplished much of anything, but because of where my heart has been, the places I've fought for, the struggles I've been in and the steps I continue to take toward healing and recovery and ever deepening my walk with Christ.

As I look ahead at the new year, it holds new possibilities, new opportunities, new hopes, new goals and new adventures - I want to pause and reflect what this past year has looked like for me.

January....

I remember putting up my Christmas decorations before the New Year had even hit. I was ready for Christmas to be over and I headed into the month feeling utterly exhausted. I was working four ten-hour work days Monday through Thursday. I woke at 5am and went to bed after 11pm. Friday through Sunday was spent trying to soak up precious time with my new baby boy and attempting to keep my head above water with all that needed to be done at home. I was miserable, tired and worn out. Even so, I signed up for another round of leading Grace Groups that semester. That ministry has been life-changing for me. I wanted to remain in the process as much as I wanted to reach out to others who like me, desperately needed Jesus.

February....

For several months, God had been pricking my heart about leaving my full-time job. I remember hearing His whispers to my heart about having something more in store for me, but I was going to have to let go here. After much resistance, I took a giant sized leap of faith and put in my two-weeks notice even without having another job lined up. This felt like one of the riskiest things I have ever done in my life. The hardest part was leaving my financial security in God's hands and trusting Him that we would have enough. Was He going to come through for me here? I never considered myself a risk-taker before and this move felt foolish, wild and even spontaneous. I was gifted with rest and time home with Tommy after a long season of working way too hard. My husband made a huge sacrifice and traded in his truck in for a cheaper vehicle as we looked at places where we could cut costs and live more simply. He sold a few things that month and gave up much for me. He believed I was worth it and it felt both painful and pleasing to watch my husband make sacrifices for our family. And by the way...yes. God did come through for me there. Big time.

March....

I turned 29 that month and had a fit about it. The upsetting part wasn't just finding my first gray hair - it was more than that. I guess I had hoped to be something more by 29. I had hoped to be different or better or at the very least just like myself the way that I was. It was a disappointing birthday and I didn't allow myself to be celebrated much. The month also held much rest and waiting for me as I was still unclear what was going to pan out on the job front. I remained curious about my resistance to rest and tried to enjoy my time at home with Tommy. Days kind of melted into one another and it simply didn't feel like spring.

April....

Todd and I started attending a new church in New Braunfels which ended up being only a 20 minute drive from our house. We decided to call it "home" after being in a sort-of church limbo for about two years. Settling in a new church has been slow and hard. We miss familiar faces of our community in the pews next to us and because of our schedules, it's been hard to get plugged in and meet people there. However, we so enjoy the sermons of good, solid and Biblical teaching and it feels wonderful to be on a worship team again (though only about once a month). April 11th was a memorable day for me also. The date is still written on the whiteboard in our kitchen where Todd wrote "No evil allowed" next to that date. I held hands with Mark, Tracy, Gary, Marilyn and Todd and did some huge things that day.....

May....

Still jobless, I learned something new about myself. I missed working. At first, I felt incredibly guilty for not easily falling into the stay-at-home mom gig. It was what I had thought I had always wanted, and perhaps someday it will be me if we ever have more kids. But, I discovered that I enjoyed working and that I WANTED to find a job. I decided to be more purposeful about finding the kind of job I really wanted to have. Something flexible and with the exact hours I wanted. I turned down jobs, I turned down interviews and held out for "the" job.

June....

The job I was wanting finally came when I was hired on as a part-time bookkeeper for a new advertising agency here. It felt like a perfect fit and continues to be. I learned that I am really good at what I do; that I am smart, intelligent and very capable. My new boss has every confidence in me that I can do anything - even the things I've never tackled before. I also celebrated four years of marriage to my husband and relished in his love for me. We shared an extravagant meal together at a very fancy restaurant (or fancy for us) and enjoyed a quiet celebration. We talked about our commitment to each other, what we wanted to continue to fight for together and what we hoped to share with one another in the coming year.

July....

Tommy turned a whole year old and I threw a fabulous birthday party for him. Even on a limited budget, I went all out with decorations and food and had a great time celebrating my little boy's precious life. Aunt Laura and Uncle Brad were here for the party, which was an incredibly special time. I said goodbye to them once again when they headed back to Africa to do some more mission work in Senegal where they will be for the next two years. It felt harder to say goodbye to her this time as we've shared a much closer relationship with one another the last several years.

August....

The summer was a scorcher and it felt like relief would never be in sight. I finished a book called "A Sacred Romance" that was a hard and convicting read. I thought a lot about my tendencies to abide with self-contempt and the damage I do to myself and others there. I decided to make some changes and put my desire out there to lose weight for myself. I began to get moving and watching what I was eating. I felt renewed and felt a new stirring within my heart. I felt like cheering, celebrating and rejoicing and allowed myself to do that. Tommy started walking by the end of the month and it felt astounding to watch my own child grow and develop before my very eyes.

September....

Even though the weather doesn't change much here when September comes, I began preparing for my favorite season - fall. I decked my house with pumpkins and leaves and readied myself for change. And change came. Our good friends, the Johnson's, packed up and moved to Michigan. They left a huge hole in the wake of their leaving and Todd and I sat and reflected of their impact on our lives and marriage together. We continue to feel their absence and yet we feel hopeful too - for them and us left here. Todd started delivering pizzas as a second job. Which just plain sucked. The days are long, the evenings are lonely and he is weary and tired and absolutely hates it. I am limited to where I can go and what I can do and our time together now is few. Yet, his continued sacrifices for Tommy and I speak volumes and my heart beams with pride for how he loves us and takes care of us no matter the cost.

October....

We had a few quiet celebrations for Todd's 41st birthday. The weather began changing as did I. A few pounds melted off and some good and steady habits began forming in regards to my weight and health. I felt something new forming in my heart too and it felt good to be comfortable in my own skin while wearing clothes that I hadn't been able to in a long time. I felt myself soften up and start to receive words that my husband had for my beauty. I threw a fun party, I enjoyed the outdoors and began to give more of myself in relationships with others. October was a good month. Why can't every month feel like an October?

November....

November was a hard month. I struggled, I cried, I wept, and I grieved. It feels hard to write about any of it here as I've been purposefully vague and careful to share what has gone on for me in a public setting as this. Thanksgiving was spent without my family, and while I had fun with one of my oldest girlfriends, it was a sad day. I felt myself slowly drift back to old ways - sitting on the couch and zoning out, trying to numb out with food and sitting in isolation, and shutting others out. I felt like I was going backwards. There was much to be thankful for that month, and I was. Yet I felt sad and discouraged and down too and I was stuck in that weird place of hating how I was feeling inside and being grateful for all that I had been blessed with.

December....

This last month has had it's share of challenges to be sure. The strange pains in my joints and questions about my health which are still currently unanswered, proved to be quite trying. I had a very hard conversation with someone whom I love very much. It left me full of joy and hope and yet it has changed the dynamic of certain relationships - forever. Those changes feel continually painful and it's hard for me to remember to not put my hope in them, but to place it in Jesus. Christmas was "meh." I found myself sabotaging the day when things didn't go as I was hoping that they would. I did not handle disappointment well. I've had several days of violence with food of trying to numb whatever pain I was feeling, except it didn't work AT ALL and I only felt pain and extreme fullness. It's been hard to pull myself out of this self-contempt hole I've been in. I've gained back almost all the weight that I had lost and instead of recommitting and going again, I've wanted to beat myself up over it. I wonder what New Year's Eve will look like and if I'll be spending it alone since Todd will be working that night. Currently, I'm suffering from the after-Christmas-blues as I usually do and I wonder when the fog will lift again.

As I reflect on my year and how it really went down, it is full of much - growth, failure, relapse, accomplishments, sacrifices, celebrations, parties, tears, grief, hard conversations, money, lack of money, tense relationships, struggles, victories, ministry, hard work, trusting God, being angry at God, praising God, being confused by God.....it's been full of LIFE. Just as the next year is sure to be full of.

I'm getting a little older and hopefully some wisdom will come with age. I used to hope that the New Year would only hold the good and the happy and pleasant and easy and comfortable things. As if it could only be a good year if nothing "bad" happened. But life is so much more than the happy and pleasant parts and will never be only those things. It is meant to be challenging and hard and difficult also. And a good year will be full of both the pleasant and difficult just as this one was.

This year, life has been lived. Some of it has been lived poorly and some of it has been lived gloriously. But I can say that now more than ever, I am living it and not just watching it pass me by anymore.

Thank you Lord for 2010. For all of the messy parts, the fun and silly moments, the memories I will cherish and the hard places You have walked with me this year...

A Very Tommy Christmas

2010-12-27T09:57:00.005-06:00

My heart is full today. For now, I thought I'd share some of my favorite Tommy pictures from the weekend.

His first encounter with bubbles.....
He loved his pillow-pet from Gramma.
"I love Christmas!"
Carefully examining the Hot Wheels he got from daddy.
He was a present-opening-pro by the end of the day!
My sweet little man.
Hope your Christmas was full of cute pictures too.

Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T07:13:00.001-06:00

Christmas - it's here! Let's make some merry!

To those of you who come here and read, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. I hope your day is full of laughter, magic, singing, beautiful memories, loved ones, delicious food and warm embraces.

Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!

Welcome Christmas

2010-12-23T09:14:00.005-06:00

My car stalled out on me this morning on my way to work. Some blinky lights came on indicating a problem and I went into panic mode. Thankfully I was able to restart it and make it back home safely.

Nothing quite disrupts my day like car troubles. It's one of life's more costly annoyances and I go into worry mode trying to figure out if we'll have money for a repair because a new car is most definitely out of the question right now. I'm praying it's just the battery, but my car is OLD, so who really knows. Todd drove me to work and my mother-in-law will pick me up. It's hard to not wonder if this will be the new normal for a while....

In the last couple of weeks, it has felt hard for me to hang on to joy this season. I have felt a share of my own disappointments for things I had hoped would happen leading up to Christmas. And the added discomfort of car troubles and possible rheumatoid arthritis - it's all felt disappointing. It's almost felt like the Grinch has come to steal all my Christmas because he knew how much I was hoping for and looking forward to happening this year and didn't want me to experience any of it.

But.

Christmas is coming.

Christmas is coming, even if I end up being diagnosed with a debilitating disease.
Christmas is coming, even if my car is dead forever and we won't have the money to fix it.
Christmas is coming, even if I don't get the gift I'm hoping for.
Christmas is coming, even though I wasn't able to give the gift I wanted to.
Christmas is coming, even though I haven't been able to spend time with all those I had hoped to see.
Christmas is coming, even if things feel tense and weird and awkward with family.
Christmas is coming!

Christmas came. And it comes, regardless of where we are or what we're dealing with. And I don't want to miss it because I'm in a corner feeling sorry about my current circumstances. "The Grinch" will not take Christmas from me this year...

The other night I watched the Christmas episode of Glee and I started to cry when they sang THIS SONG.

"Christmas day is in our grasp,
As long as we have hands to clasp!"

They remade the song from the Grinch when all the Who's in Whoville came outside and held hands and sang even though someone had just stolen every present from the tree, every twinkly light and every wreath. They sang anyway. Because Christmas was here.

So I stand. I will sing and rejoice and clasp the hands around me and celebrate....Welcome Christmas.

What do you need?

2010-12-22T07:00:00.001-06:00

I've talked with a couple of friends the last few days about what I fear is wrong with my body as I wait for the blood work results to come back. It feels scary to name things and not have answers yet. This part sucks.

"What do you need?" They have asked me.

"I don't know. I don't know what I need." That's all I know to say.

I need not to hurt anymore. I need to feel miraculously better and not have to take steroids or muscle relaxers. I need to feel like myself again so I can exercise. I need to wake up and not have to spend an hour unstiffening my body. I need to be able to get dressed by myself without any help from Todd.

I can think of the things I need that would just take this all away. But I know what they are asking. What do I need as I sit with this, feel this, and wait in this?

It feels hard to think of what I need, and I have felt curious about how it's been hard for me to name that. I wonder why it's hard to not only express our needs, but even to be able to name them for our hearts. Am I the only one who finds it hard to name a need when asked?

My fleshly response wants to be:

"I can handle this. I got this."
"I don't need anything from you."

But like most things in life, this is bigger than me. This requires support and prayer and encouragement and that unnameable something that we need from others when going through a difficult time. For me, it's an act of repentance every time I pick up the phone to call a friend or reach out and ask for something, rather than trying to handle it on my own.

So what do I need?

I need to know that you will sit with me in my pain if I get bad news. I need reminders that God is good when things like this come in and cause a rift in my faith and I am left questioning Him in the same places yet again. I need to be called out when you see me tend to isolate or withdraw. I need Jesus to rescue me, heal me and restore me.

Once again I am left in desperate need of my Savior Jesus. The wounded healer Himself. It seems as though He always uses these trials - whether physical or not - to draw me closer to His heart. I guess I tend to get angry when difficult circumstances come my way, because I just want things to be comfortable and easy, and can't they just be for a little while? Why can't He use something else to draw me to His heart? That feels a little "whiny" to admit, but it feels very true.

I guess I just never knew that I would have depend on Him for the strength to deal with the kind of pain that limits my bodily functions at the age of 29. I guess I never knew I'd have to thank Him for giving me a husband who helps me put my bra on because I can't do it myself.

What do I need? Thankfully, He knows and He will provide it. It's just resting in that truth that feels hard today.

Spinning

2010-12-21T10:03:00.002-06:00

My thoughts feel disjointed today. My head is spinning and overwhelming thoughts are swirling through my mind....

Tommy has started trying to climb out of his crib. Do we usher the toddler bed in immediately or wait a little longer? I'm not ready for this!

I have goodies to bake to give away - am I going to have time to do that and will my hands work well enough to do it?

What will the blood-work results say? Do I have rheumatoid arthritis? Can I do this? Can I live with this disease if I have it? What will life look like if I have this? I'm scared....

I hope I get some perfume for Christmas because I'm all out.

What is Christmas going to feel like as we try to navigate through both families like we do every year? What is the day going to hold?

Feeling bummed - Todd has to deliver pizzas on Christmas Eve. Only until 8 or so, but still. I'm so ready for this gig to be over.

Yes, I am spinning.

This week has held much more for me than I anticipated. Including a trip to the doctor to find out what has been causing severe joint pain in almost every joint in my body for almost a month. If you know me well, you know that I don't usually go to the doctor unless I feel like death. And well, the pain has been so excruciating I have longed to just be put out of my misery a morning or two...

I am feeling scared and have many questions. Especially if I have something serious like Rheumatoid Arthritis - could we have another baby if I'm on the medications needed to treat it? I've suddenly gone from not feeling ready to even try for another child, to wishing I were pregnant. Interesting how when something can come up to snatch away a dream you didn't think you really wanted, you discover that you really wanted it after all.

Christmas is days away and all the time I felt like I had has suddenly disappeared and my body is struggling to keep up because of the pain I'm in. I just started on some medication which feels scary to take. I don't like to take things unless I absolutely have to. My doctor said that she doesn't take prescribing medications lightly and only prescribed what she felt was necessary. The things she put me on were necessary. That in itself feels scary.

I'm spinning. Wanting, fearing, desiring, longing, hoping, waiting, wishing, missing, dreaming, and anticipating.

I tend to create chaos when things begin to spin out of control like they are now. This is where I do damage to others around me and invite others to rescue me or pity me, and if they don't, I push them away and sit in isolation.

My desire is to remain present and alive in the next few days as I sit and wait with the questions I have. I long to be open and hopeful as Christmas approaches.

I want to stop spinning and just be held in His arms for a while. And rest.

Christmas = Party time!

2010-12-21T07:09:00.002-06:00

I love parties.

I love going to them, getting dressed for them, preparing for them, hosting them - I just love parties. Period. I hadn't done a "girls night" in quite a while so I decided it Christmastime was the perfect time to have a little celebration.

Friday night, I opened up my house for a little party. I baked a few cookies and had a sugar cookie decorating contest.
I didn't get pictures of everyone, but about nine girlfriends showed up to eat some yummy food, play games, decorate cookies and just make merry.
The cookies were a success and everyone was rather creative. The "Super-woman" tree ended up being the big winner.
Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without a party or two!

Downtown Date Night

2010-12-20T13:12:00.002-06:00

Downtown San Antonio at Christmastime is quite something to behold and experience. During the season, lights are hung from trees that line the Riverwalk, huge trees are put up everywhere, horse drawn carriages that take tourists around are lit up and decorated with garlands and Mariachi bands are singing familiar Christmas tunes. Going downtown is somewhere I try to go every year.

When I was younger and single I remember walking on the Riverwalk with my girlfriends wishing I was there with my boyfriend/husband. Because it felt like such a romantic setting and how I longed for the days I could share that with "the one."

Well, "the one" tries to take me every year now. It's something I always look forward to. And Thursday night, we headed downtown.

We stopped to see some of the main lights and attractions including the tree next to the Alamo.
We had a lovely dinner together and later stopped somewhere else to split something decadent for dessert.
Enjoying the lights and the music and the romance with Todd is everything I had always imagined it being when I was younger dreaming of this very thing. We shared a few steamy kisses on some more secluded areas of the Riverwalk - it felt like we were "dating" again and it just felt fun and sweet.
At the restaurant we took some pictures together and I love that he's not afraid to look silly with me in public. I know we got some looks from others around us, and I so didn't care.
It was a perfect date night.

Taking time to stop and smell the gingerbread

2010-12-16T09:17:00.003-06:00

This Christmas season has felt quite different for me. Mostly because I have found that I've actually had time to do things. I haven't felt stressed out at the thought of shopping or wrapping presents or baking cookies and I've even had time to enjoy some of my favorite holiday movies or just relax and enjoy the glow from our tree. The month of December has come and gone by slowly this year and I've felt like I've been able to drink in one of my favorite seasons and enjoy every day for what it's worth.

While I am still working, I am not working full time anymore. Not having to work 8+ hour days and then drive in traffic both the morning and evening and then come home and play mommy and housewife feels like one of the biggest gifts that I've been given this year. And all of it started with taking one very giant leap of faith and trusting God that things could be different. Though, it's come with it's share of sacrifices to be sure.

Some days when our checking account is running scarily low, I miss the days of the plethora of income. And as soon as I think about that, I look at my son who is usually up to some kind of mischief and I smile. Because I've been able to find a good balance for me of staying home with Tommy and being able to work some at a job I really enjoy too.

For the first time in two years, Todd and I are going on our Downtown Date Night tonight. In 2008 I was newly pregnant and only wanted to stay home and sleep. And last year I was wiped out between working and coming home to Tommy and trying to keep up with all that had to be done for Christmas. I'm excited to have time and energy to go out tonight and not miss one of my favorite things to do during the holidays with my husband.

The weekend is full of parties and next week I'll be up to my elbows in flour from cookie baking. I still have a few more gifts to buy and wrap and I'm glad that I can soak it all in and enjoy the fun and excitement rather than being in the mode where I'm just trying to just get things done in time. It's lovely to be able to sit back and reflect and breathe and rest.

Just feeling grateful today for all that has changed this year. Especially in my heart.

Being Transparent

2010-12-14T12:15:00.005-06:00

Somewhere in all of the Christmasyness, I feel like it's nearly blasphemous for me to write about anything other than holiday happenings, and yet today, my mind keeps coming back to something I've been sitting with the last few days which really has nothing to do with yuletide cheer.

I've been thinking about addictions. Mostly mine - and my husband's too, if I'm honest. We both have struggles and places of addiction. They are different, and yet they are the same too. They all produce the same result in one's heart.

I always feel the weight of where addictions leave us in our marriage. Next to financial discussions, conversing about our addictions are the hardest things we talk about. They lead us both to tears and sorrow. And they also lead us to pray together. They are good and hard conversations that both expose depravity and reveal our dignity. They are necessary talks and I feel grateful to be in a marriage where we don't dance around our addictions or pretend they aren't there or just shame the other person for what we struggle with. It feels like a beautiful thing and it's one of the many reasons I thank God for choosing Todd to be my husband.

This morning I was in the middle of eating a fattening breakfast sandwich that I shouldn't have been eating, when I read an anonymous comment on yesterday's post. The comment was surprisingly kind and they commented on how beautiful I looked in my pictures and how all of my "hard work" was paying off.

*sigh*

What anonymous didn't know was how I didn't post the pictures from the weekend where I thought my belly looked too big and what anonymous didn't know was how I've been struggling for weeks and don't feel like I've been doing any "hard work." I've had days in a row of kindness, and they will be followed by a day or two of sadness and violence. That has left my weight loss at a stand-still.

The last several weeks for me have been (for lack of a better word) "emotional". And to cope with these emotions, I have found myself going back to familiar patterns and feelings and choices which always seems to land in the familiar place of food addiction. But now, this big thing that felt like the source of all of the emotions has passed and I'm finding myself in this weird haze knowing that I need to get back on track and just feeling plain lazy about it. Especially when I have somewhat of a legitimate excuse seeing as I used my workout machine so much that I actually broke it!

I learned a long time ago that food wasn't something to fill a void with. I have heard that a lot about addiction - that whatever your behavior is means that you're just filling your void with your addiction - porn, alcohol, pot, food, whatever. But. One of the greatest truths I ever heard about addiction was that addictions are about killing something - mostly our longings and desires. Our longings and desires are good and even holy things. And while most would say (and have said to me), "Oh you were just trying to fill a void because you were lonely," I can see where I did extreme violence against my soul because it hurt too much to be alive and and choose to hope in the midst of devastating disappointment and rejection. So, I set out to kill it violently - and I did. It still grieves my heart at the lengths I went to kill my longings and desires just to be loved....

I can say the same thing for where I'm at now. My addiction is about killing my longing and desires to know real, deep, and true intimacy. Not just with my husband but with others I am in relationship with. It keeps me isolated, shut off and feeling poorly about myself. If I had to believe something else than I might be enjoyed - and I might like it. And honestly, the thought of being enjoyed scares me, because I'm not sure what to do with those feelings. That feels a bit deep and transparent to post here, but it's true. It's a place where I have been invited to sit and be curious about.

Why am I afraid to be enjoyed? And what would happen if I let myself be enjoyed for who I am and as I am?

For me, weight loss is not just about changing certain behaviors or eating better - it's about facing what's underneath it all and taking it to the cross where Jesus died for it.

Both Todd and I have talked about how our addictions sometimes just feel like a nagging bad habit. They are so familiar to us and it feels hard to imagine life without that behavior. And yet, putting the label on our addictions as a "bad habit" feels like it lessens the severity of our actions and makes it easier to stay in them.

The other night, we had to have one of our hard conversations. I was reminded that one of the seductions of addiction is to lure us into self-contempt. And then I remembered something I wrote a few months ago about this:

"Self-contempt gives me permission to participate in my addictions. Self-contempt gives me the illusion of control, especially in my marriage. Self-contempt offers consolation because I am convinced that even if someone does hate me or thinks I am horrid - that no one could hate me more than I hate myself. Self-contempt keeps me at a "safe" distance from people, allowing me to only go skin deep when I know others would love to have more of my heart. Self-contempt keeps me in agreement with evil. Above all, self-contempt keeps me from needing anything from God. It keeps me from having to believe who I really am and who He has created me to be. It keeps me from being enjoyed or believing that I am glorious and wanted - and fearfully and wonderfully made!"

I want to tie this all up in some big Christmas bow, but it feels hard to find an ending to my thoughts here today. It's just where my heart is at amidst all of the fun and festivities and joy I am feeling this season.

Celebration Season

2010-12-13T09:54:00.004-06:00

I love this time of year. The parties, the shopping, the excessive cookie baking, the music - all of it. Christmastime still makes me feel like a kid again and it's as if the magic that's in the air is tangible and is something you can feel all around you like a warm blanket and a cup of hot cocoa.

This past weekend was all about celebrating. I celebrated a friend who is getting married this coming weekend at a very fun girly lingerie shower and took very silly pictures with my sis-in-law.

I attended my work party and felt celebrated as an employee. Todd and I were two of the more mellow party-goers there, but we had a nice time. There was an extravagant spread of food and drinks for us and gifts all around.

Last night, we went to the Grace Group party where it felt like a celebration of just being together again as a community. I relished in the words that others had for me. "Your beauty is showing!" said Ellen. "You look bright tonight," said Gary. I took pictures with a few dear friends; one of them being my awesome-great friend B. I have decided it's the most gorgeous picture ever of the both of us.
Friday night was the celebration of reuniting with my sister. I watched her play a role that was probably the most well-acted part I've seen her in yet. Which included a kiss with a very handsome young man. It made me feel really old, but it also made me feel proud of her talents and abilities. Our hug afterward was long and sweet and tear-filled. We shared chips and salsa together at Chilis and she filled me on the life I've missed for the past few months.
Celebrating.

It's the time of year where celebrating seems to come more naturally to people. Our homes are decked out, the special dishes are out to show off and use. We don are sparkliest outfits and curl our hair. It makes me wish we could celebrate Christmas-style all the time and not just the month of December.

The past several days I have found myself celebrating the birth of something new in my heart. I just feel overcome with joy and life. I am celebrating miracles and stories and God's kindness. It feels good to celebrate here and I am looking forward to more of it.

There is still more celebrating to be had in the coming days and weeks. My hair is curled, my outfit is sparkling and I'm ready to party!

What are you celebrating this season?

Short sentences

2010-12-10T07:00:00.004-06:00

I've been quiet here this week. I'm done being quiet.

I waited and hoped. And it's been a beautiful thing.

There will not be any expounding on that here, but yes. It's been a beautiful thing.

Todd brought me flowers to work on Monday. I love floral surprises.

Just felt the need to brag about that.

Today is Friday.

I don't work on Fridays. Or Wednesdays for that matter, but today isn't Wednesday so that's irrelevant.

Though I will be at home with Tommy all day today and that in itself is most definitely work.

Especially these days as seems to be into more things than usual. And throwing more food on the floor than usual. And screaming more than usual. *sigh*

I think I might do some Christmas present shopping today.

Even WITH Tommy in tow.

Oh pray for me people. I don't do this often....

Todd gets to go hunting this weekend. He always comes home a happier man even if he doesn't get a deer or any other kind of animal. I love when he gets to go even though I miss him like crazy and I can't sleep.

There is much to look forward to and anticipate this weekend.

Like two Christmas parties on Sunday.

However, I'm mostly excited about this evening.

I'm going to a play at a local high school.

And I get to see my sister in it.

On Sunday, she texted me and invited me to come.

Though I had already planned to go, having an invitation made it all the more sweeter.

I get to hug her and talk to her and I think we're even going out together afterward.

It's been a very long three and halfish months.

And I'm feeling very grateful and joyful and full of emotion at God's goodness and love and working the kind of miracles needed for the reunion that will occur this evening.

Miracles.

That word feels like a theme this month for me and my heart and my life.

Thank you Lord for miracles...

Waiting with Hope

2010-12-06T10:38:00.003-06:00

"What does it look like to wait with hope? Hope that is not foolishly tied to people coming through for you or changing their behavior or your circumstances miraculously changing. Hope that is tied the reality of who Jesus is and the fact that He did indeed come and that God really is who He says He is and that He really does love you desperately."

My friend Tracy wrote this a few days ago on her blog and it resonated with me today. After a violent weekend of trying to kill my longings and hopes and desires, I awoke yesterday with a renewed strength to push through and fight and press on. And hope.

I am waiting. And waiting with the hope that God is really who He says He is and that He loves me desperately. And that He is with me.

Will be taking a few days of silence here on Jenn-sational as I wait with hope.

Christmastime is here!

2010-12-03T07:22:00.002-06:00

I LOVE decorating for Christmas. I always do it the day after Thanksgiving - which really makes no sense, because I'm always wiped out from the day before and really should spend the day recuperating. But no. I have to enjoy my decorations for as long as possible.

Decorating this year was fun. I was able to raid some of my mom-in-laws decorations that she didn't use anymore and even had a little spending money to get a few new things.

I am VERY traditional. For me, Christmas is red and green and Santas and candy canes. I love the colors and how they make me feel like a kid again. My style is a little bit country and a little bit eclectic. Over all, I love how my Christmas decor feels homey.

Welcome to my kitchen....

Above the cabinets got a little makeover. I just took down the sunflowery things and put up some ornaments and a few things here and there.
On my kitchen counter.
My beautifully painted dining room set with some fun placemats and a few simple tapered candles.
My buffet area....I had wanted to do something different in place of the Texas flag, but that project will have to wait for later. I put some of my Christmas tree collection there and then had fun making over my mini-tree I got last year.
I think it's my favorite thing this year....I tied on some country checked ribbon and jingle bells and found these rustic star ornaments I had bought last year. I used some twine as well for garland. I love how it turned out!
The shelf in my dining room area. I have my snowman collection and some cute houses that I inherited from Todd's mom. And I LOVE these ice skates.
The shelf in my kitchen. I always do something different every year.
Since we don't have a fireplace, the counter that separates the kitchen from the living room is my makeshift mantle where we hang our stockings. I made do with stockings I had and used the stocking for Tommy that my Auntie had made for him last year. I couldn't find anything new or affordable. So my dream stockings will have to wait for another year. Even so, they look great and I can't complain!
A new Santa on one of my end tables.
Our beautiful Christmas tree. This is my favorite one ever I think!
I've been searching for two years for some of this awesome mesh stuff for the tree. I found it at Hobby Lobby back in July and bought it at FULL price. I was afraid it wouldn't be there later when it was on sale and sure enough, it wasn't. I love how beautiful it made my tree look!
I had seen this spray-topper idea last year on a few blogs and totally stole it. I thought it was a super fun idea and I love how it turned out.

Surprisingly, Tommy is GREAT with the tree. He was so excited when it was put up. I placed several safe ornaments within his reach that aren't really breakable. I also left off all glass ball ornaments all together and just used all of our trinket type ornaments this year. Tommy hasn't tried taking anything off the tree yet which amazes me. But he has fun looking at it and touching all of the toys on the tree. It is so fun to have Christmas with a kid!
The windows in the living room got a little facelift with some greenery and ribbon.
A few more touches of Christmas here and there....
And a few more things here and there too.
Above our entertainment center. The red cardinal is new and I love it!
So there we have it. My halls are decked for Christmas and ready for company and parties and memories to be made this year. Happy decorating ya'll!

From Scratch

2010-12-02T08:59:00.003-06:00

There is something incredibly satisfying about cooking from scratch. It can sometimes be a lot of work, but the end result is always worth it. I had plenty of practice growing up. I was always helping my mom with dinner and baking at Christmastime. And my Grammy taught me my way around the kitchen too.

I spent the majority of yesterday in my kitchen cooking and baking and even cleaning and organizing my kitchen. It felt like a very enjoyable day even though I was in my pajamas and needed a shower and Tommy was emptying my cabinets of plastic lids and baking pans.

When I'm cooking or baking, I often feel very aware of my femininity. Which maybe sounds weird. But I guess something about it makes me feel delightful as a woman. Like I am creating things of beauty and things to be enjoyed and therefore I am beautiful and am to be enjoyed.

We had a ton of potatoes left over from Thanksgiving. I got a little over ambitious in my potato purchases and still have ten pounds left to do something with. Yikes! Yesterday I decided to try out a new recipe. And true to myself I doctored it up and did my own thing to it by adding a little bit of this and a dash of that. But, I made a potato-corn chowder. Though I barely made a dent in my potato plethora and I believe mashed potatoes will be in the menu the end of this week....
It was incredibly delicious. It cooked the majority of the day in a crock pot marrying all of the flavors and seasonings together. It was creamy and flavorful and hearty. Todd thoroughly enjoyed it. I also made some garlic cheese drop biscuits to go on the side and they made the meal absolute perfection on a coolish winter night. (I have no idea how so many bloggers get gorgeous pictures of their food, but this is the best I can do....)

And because slow cooking chowder and making biscuits from scratch wasn't enough, I baked my first batch of cookies of the season. Double chocolate chip - a new recipe I found in one of my many cookbooks. They're crispy and chewy and chocolately and perfect.
All of the baking and cooking always reminds me of my mother - especially during the holidays. It was one of the only things that she and I ever really did together. I like to think that she would have been proud of my chowder and biscuits and cookies. I like to think that she would be proud of me anyway. And I guess I just wish she were here to share a homemade meal with me....

Feeling Listy: Christmasy Edition

2010-11-30T10:08:00.004-06:00

This is my favorite time of year. And there is so much to look forward to.....

Drinking egg-nog.

Drinking Gingerbread lattes from Starbucks.

Parties galore!

Getting dressed up for parties.

Hosting some kind of silly girls night party which still requires much planning!

My work Christmas party - where I hear we will be playing some kind of dance game with their new Kinect....

Grace Group party!

A Christmas bonus?! Maybe?!

My downtown date with Todd - we haven't done this in two years and I'm so excited!

My engagement anniversary day - even if I don't get any real diamonds. It's fun to open something sparkly anyway.

Baking cookies with Gramma and Grammy.

Having cousins or kids or someone over to bake and decorate sugar cookies with me.

Watching Tommy learn how to open presents.

Watching others open fun presents that I'm giving.

Opening a present or two myself!

Mini-Reeses peanut butter cups in Christmas colored foil.

Christmas Eve at Gramma's house with my crazy uncles.

Watching Gramma take presents out of the refrigerator.

A wedding for a good friend.

Christmas shopping - I love it!

Dipping pretzels - even though it's tedious and time consuming. It's tradition!

Listening to Christmas music.

Watching Hallmark Christmas movies. Even if they're cheesy.

Singing Christmas carolish songs at church.

Wearing my favorite red tops.

Starting new traditions. And remembering old ones.

Miracles.

What are you looking forward to most this season?

Thanksgiving Snapshots

2010-11-29T10:13:00.002-06:00

There was baking and mess-making.
There was the best fried turkey ever.
There were good and old and true friends.
There were silly games. Very, very silly games.There was a cute little boy who only wanted to eat green beans and animal crackers.
There were cousins.
There was nonsense.
There was decorating.
It was happy and sad. It was empty and it was full. It was full of laughter and full of tears. It was painful and it was fun. Thanksgiving was all of these things and more....

Giving Thanks: The Grand Finale

2010-11-26T07:12:00.002-06:00

The memory is a bit hazy, but I do remember the day that my mom told me about Jesus and I invited Him into my heart. I was a very young girl, but I knew at that age, that I was in need of a Savior because I was a sinner. And the only One who could save me was Jesus.

I love that the gospel is simple enough for a child's mind to understand. Sometimes, I wish for that kind of simplicity again and to know God with the easy-believing faith that I once had as a little girl. I do believe I was saved at this age, though my relationship with God didn't really take shape until I was about 12 years old. I am thankful for the foundation that I had of learning what I did in church and Sunday school. And I am thankful that ministry and service and Christ were such a centered part of my growing up. I am here today because of all that, along with His grace and mercy in my life.

I suppose in the years that I have known Jesus, my faith and my relationship with Him has changed. As it ought to. It was knowing Him and reading promising passages in Scripture that got me through tough times as a teenager. In my early twenties, it was discovering and seeking for myself why I believed what I do, that added depth to my faith. And it's been in the more recent years that I've encountered Him in the deeper places of my heart and story that my walk with Him has become something real and special to me - even amidst the struggles and wrestling I so often find myself in.

More than ever, I am convinced that God is less concerned with correct doctrine and theology as He is with how we love one another and how we care one another, especially for the poor, the sick, the needy, the widow and the orphan. I have felt convicted here lately about how I can debate theological issues and stand proud of my knowledge, and put none of it into practice with how I put His simplest of commands of loving others. I love that in God's kindness and pursuit of me, He pricks my heart and reminds me that my crap is really never all about me. He is never finished with me and He calls me to more.

As I've given thanks this week about things and family and my son and husband, I am reminded that the only reason I even have any of that, is because of Him. He has blessed me and loved me and extended grace and kindness though I'm undeserving of any of it. I'm sure without Him I would be dead or in a place of utter darkness.

To you Lord, I give you thanks and praise for who You are, for what You have done and all that You will do....

Thank You for the ability to come boldly to Your throne to pray and ask and talk.

Thank You for being big enough to handle my anger and ugliness and meeting me where I'm at.

Thank You for my story - even the painful parts that make me confused about who You are.

Thank You for Your sovereignty and purpose and plan - though you often make no sense to my human mind, I know that You know what's going on.

Thank You for the ways You get my attention, the ways You display your love for me, and how cherished You make me feel.

Thank You for the outpouring of grace in my life.

Thank You for dying for me and saving this wretched woman from her body of death!

Thank You for being the beginning and the end.

Thank You for waking me up at 3:00am and calling me to Your side to spend time with You.

Thank You for pain and suffering, even though it feels hard to thank You for it.

Thank You for laughter and joy and that You are the source of it.

Thank You for showing your love of me through others.

Thank You for using me to show others Your love.

Thank You for redemption and restoration and renewal.

Thank You for the reunion I look forward to having with my mom in heaven.

Thank You for giving me the heart I have.

Thank You for giving me courage and boldness to fight for my life.

Thank You for who You are. You are awesome, mighty, kind, wild, mysterious, loving, quiet, strong, just, fair, true, holy, compassionate, and beautiful. You are those things even on the days I don't acknowledge it or might even disagree.

Thank You Lord. It is to You I have all that I do to be thankful for.

Giving Thanks: My Husband

2010-11-25T07:00:00.003-06:00

It feels fitting to be writing about my husband today on my giving thanks series this week as today is actually Thanksgiving Day. He is the one person in my life who I may always be the most thankful for on this day. Without him, there would be no us, no Tommy, and my life would look tragically different.

I am thankful that it's his face I wake up next to every morning, especially this one.

I am thankful for his words, warm embraces and passionate kisses.

I am thankful for his strength and dignity and integrity as a man, husband and father.

I am thankful that he calls me to more and fights with me and for me.

I am thankful that he plays with me and that we enjoy one another.

I am thankful for his willingness to sacrifice and how he puts Tommy and I above all else.

I am thankful for him today as I have no idea what the day will hold for my heart entirely. I am thankful he is there to hold my hand and comfort me and make me laugh and remind me that he is there.

I am thankful for the life we share together. Every moment of it.
Happy Thanksgiving darling. I am ever and eternally thankful to Him for giving me you.

Giving Thanks: Tommy

2010-11-24T07:00:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I still can't believe that I'm a mom. It feels like this huge role and yet it's felt natural to fall into it. Last year I wept when sharing how thankful I was that God had brought him into our lives after wondering if it could even be possible. Tomorrow will be his second Thanksgiving with us and oh, what joy he brings.

I am thankful for his faces.

Even the pouty ones. (Oh how I miss this size!)
I am thankful for his cries, his laughs, his squeals and grunts.

I am thankful for his energy.

I am thankful that he likes me to read to him.

I am thankful he likes to eat broccoli and green beans.

I am thankful the sleepless nights are over.

I am thankful for his playfulness.
I am thankful that he likes the outdoors.

I am thankful that he likes to give kisses.

I am thankful that he likes to make messes and create chaos because it makes my home feel homier.

I am thankful that I've finally learned how to keep his hands out of his poop every time I go to change a dirty diaper.

I am thankful that he invites me to play and reminds me that he is more important than myself.

I am thankful that he likes to splash water in the tub and get me soaking wet.

I am thankful how he makes me laugh.

I am thankful for where he challenges me and makes me think.

I am thankful for the moments he likes to sit on my lap...which are few.

I am thankful for the walks we take together.

I am thankful that he loves his daddy and can say "Dad" really well.

I am thankful that he knows I'm his mama even though he doesn't say it yet. *sigh*

I am thankful for his health.

I am thankful for his bright eyes, boyish smile and blonde hair.

I am thankful for how he has changed my life and made it more full and wonderful than I could have ever imagined possible.
Above all, I am thankful that I am his mommy.

Giving Thanks: Family

2010-11-23T07:00:00.004-06:00

Thanksgiving is two short days away. Our turkey is thawing and my baking items are ready to go for pies and goodies to be created. As the day approaches and I move forward on my little Thanksgiving series week, today I am thankful for family.

I am thankful for Aimee and Anna - my cousin-friends. I feel privileged to be invited in to their lives to know them on a deeper level. I consider them both two of my best friends and I love them dearly.
I am thankful for my Auntie Laura who is spending her first Christmas in Africa in over ten years. Before they got the call to go back, Todd and I had planned on spending our Christmas in Montana with them this year. I was quite looking forward to having a white Christmas and spending the holidays with all of them. Of course God had different plans for all of us. But I am thankful for our relationship, our special bond, and her continued pouring into my life, even from afar.
I am thankful for my jolly Gramma, though she is so much more than a Gramma to me. She is my hero, my friend, my mom, my encourager, my inspiration - I love her so. She prays faithfully for me and my family and that makes me feel loved and secure. And I think she might be starting a blog soon, which is incredibly exciting! But I am thankful for our closeness and desire to be real with one another.
I am thankful for my sweet Poppy & Grammy. I call them on a weekly basis - to check in, ask theological questions for Poppy, cooking questions for Grammy, and always to share a praise or ask if I need prayer about something. As I've grown into an adult with a family of my own, I love their continued involvement and desire to be present in my life. I have always enjoyed the closeness that we share and all of the beautiful memories we've made together.
I am thankful for my sister Laura - whom I miss with all my heart this year. I miss our silliness and conversations. I miss hearing the latest song she has written and what is going on with her acting at school. I miss her face and her laugh and her sleepy hair after spending the night at my house. I miss her so much it hurts. I will always be thankful to God for giving me the sister I had hoped and prayed for. And I remain hopeful for our relationship to be restored.
I am thankful to both my mom and my dad for giving me life, for bringing me into this world and for giving me a story. I am thankful that they have both influenced my relationship with the Lord and have pointed me to Jesus. I am thankful for sweet memories of the both of them. And I am thankful for memories to come.

I am thankful for my family. And who I am because of each one of them.

Giving Thanks: The little things

2010-11-22T07:00:00.003-06:00

I can't believe Thanksgiving is days away. Time has flown this year. Today marks the first day of my mini-series on giving thanks. So without further ado, I am thankful for the little (and not so little) things in life....

Sunshine, rain, cold and crisp mornings and beautiful sunrises.

Leaves that change colors in the fall even though I don't see much of that here.

My 1997 Saturn that is still running and getting me where I need to go.

Two part-time jobs that provide me with flexibility and enable me to be home more with Tommy.

Two wonderful bosses that treat me with kindness.

Two jobs for Todd even though he is ready for something else.

Income to provide for our needs and pay bills.

Running water, electricity, air-conditioning, heat and cable TV.

Our beautiful house.

Our sweet dog Hunter, even though he's crazy.

Real, true, there-for-you-always kinds of friends.

A church we can finally call home.

My in-laws - for childcare, unexpected gifts, conversation, meals, and relationship.

Music.

Grace Groups, Open Hearts Ministry and Seized by Hope.

Cheese and chocolate, though not together.

The ability to move and exercise and a new-found enjoyment for doing it.

Family who are friends.

Friends who are family.

Mornings where I can stay in my pajamas, drink coffee and read.

The country I live in and the freedoms I have.

Second chances. And third and fourth ones too.

Life. Living, breathing, wrestling, struggling, laughing, crying, joyful, messy, crazy, busy, boring, tragic, full life.

Giving Thanks Week...next week

2010-11-19T07:03:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love the smells of the day, both savory and sweet. I love the sound of laughter and football games and singing and playing outside in the cold and eating mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. I love baking and cooking and just being close to the people I love. I love anticipating that the following day will be spent decorating my home for Christmas and beginning to prepare for all of the fun and festivities it will bring in the coming weeks.

As Thanksgiving Day has approached this year, I have been aware of how different it was going to look. Todd and I will be spending the day with some good friends of ours, and for me, it will be both fun and sad to be doing something new this year without being around my side of the family. Though I am ambivalent about the day, I am mostly hopeful and am looking forward to the fun to be had with our friends.

I decided I wanted to be purposeful in giving thanks this year and have decided to do a "series" of sorts next week on Thanksgiving here. Any of you who read are welcome to join me if you feel so inspired to do so. Or just have fun reading.

Here's the breakdown:

Giving Thanks Monday - The little things and not so little things

Giving Thanks Tuesday - Family

Giving Thanks Wednesday - Tommy and motherhood

Giving Thanks Thursday - My husband and our life together

Giving Thanks Friday - God, who He is and what He means to me

I have much to be thankful to Him for and I'm looking forward to celebrating and praising the One who gives us all that we do have to be thankful for.

Dangerous Assumptions

2010-11-18T10:29:00.005-06:00

I saw one of those funny little plaques in a boss's office once that read, "To assume means that you will make an ass out of you and an ass out of me." Or something to that effect. I found it hilarious and I've remembered the "ass" part of assume every time I used that word.

Assuming things, especially about people, can be dangerous and harmful ground. I have found that it's in the places that I assume things about people and what they could be thinking about me, is where I push others away and distance myself. I assume things that more often than naught, are never true.

I assume, because I'm overweight, it contributes to some of my friends not wanting to hang out with me or be close to me. I assume they don't want to be seen with me.

I assumed at one point, that if Todd knew my darkest secret, that he wouldn't love me anymore.

I have been assuming that a friend's silence towards me currently is because of something I have done rather than asking and being curious.

I assume that when I don't get comments on my blog that people don't get me or think I'm stupid.

Yes, assumption can be a dangerous thing. It's where I often go to self-contempt or pity. It's where I sit in familiar shame messages and beat myself up for things that I don't like about myself. And maybe I assume things because I have questions and I don't feel brave enough to ask them.

Yesterday I was visiting with a good friend of mine and we both owned up to places where we had assumed things about the other. She was the braver one and admitted her places first. And I quickly followed her lead and admitted to where I had been hurtful as well because of the things I had assumed about her. It felt slightly messy and awkward as we walked through the damage we had done to one another there, and named that we both had desired more with each other all along. I feel grateful for a friend who can be real with me and call me to more. Thank you B....

Since then, I've been thinking about other places where I am currently making assumptions. I feel the need to soften there and be curious and ask and reach out rather than sit and do nothing and be angry or sorry for myself.

I want to love others well, and making assumptions is most definitely not the path to love and relationship. And I can't love others well if I'm being an ass.

Why I Write

2010-11-16T08:47:00.003-06:00

I write about big things.

I write about insignificant small things.

I write about decorating and scrapbooking and shopping.

I write about being a mom and a wife and the ups and downs of all of it.

I write about my cute little boy.

I write because Gramma would be upset with me if I didn't.

I write about God and faith how I struggle there.

I write about God and faith and when I feel strong there.

I write about my story.

I write about the past.

I write about friends and family and people who I love.

I write about fun outings and share silly pictures.

I write about hurts and pains and places of suffering.

I write with the desire to be real.

I write about hopes and dreams and longings for more in my life.

I write sometimes with the intention to hurt someone else.

I write sometimes with the intention to make someone proud or notice me. Or love me.

I write sometimes in hope for attention and forget that I'm writing just for me.

I write about holidays and memories and good times.

I write about birthdays and celebrations and silly parties that I often throw.

I write about my mom and how I miss her so.

I write about real relationships and why they are so important to me.

I write about music and songs that speak to my heart.

I write about my weight and addiction to food with vulnerability.

I write lists when I don't know what else to say and my head and heart need to get something out.

I write about fall because it's my favorite season.

I write about sunrises and how they take my breath away every time.

I write about my amazing husband. Because he is amazing and I love him so.

I write sometimes hoping to get something from someone else. Which kind of makes me feel gross.

I write sometimes because I want to be heard and validated.

I write because I love to write. I always have.

I write because there is healing in it, even if it's about something mundane.

I write with hope that someday I can write something bigger than what I put down on my blog.

I write to capture memories and feelings to have this to look back on.

I write because I must.

I write. I may not always write the rightest, or kindest or godliest or happiest or wittiest words.

But I write. And I will keep writing.

Why do you write?

Community

2010-11-15T10:09:00.005-06:00

What is community? For real, for serious, legitimate, as-it-should-be community.

Merriam-Webster defines community as such: A unified body of individuals; people with common interests living in a particular area; an interacting population of various kinds of individuals living in a common location; a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society; a group linked by a common policy.

Community is about location as much as it is having something in common with the place we feel connected to one another inside of our hearts.

Last night, I was surrounded by my own community of people. And it had been a while since we all had gathered together. It was obvious that our community had changed and we felt the absence of our friends. It felt weird to me to not to see Mark with him looking over the brim of his glasses and leading us in prayer and later making silly comments as we talked. I missed Tracy's beautiful laugh and the jingle of her bracelets and the tears she has anytime we come together as passionate leaders in a ministry we are all called to. I admitted to a friend last night that I had read Tracy's blog and it felt hard to believe that they were where they belonged now. Because it's true and yet it feels hard to believe that it's true.

I sat in a room full of safe men and women who know me and my story and I theirs. They are my brothers and sisters. They are my family. I feel knit to these people.

It feels good to look into someone's eyes and they don't buy my answer when I say I'm "Good" or "Okay." They know me better than that and there is no pretending and I am always pursued and always pursue. There are no fake and surfacey conversations about work or kids or church. We are real and this is where I have learned what real relationship looks like. We want to know where we are really at in our marriages, in our families, with our kids, and in life. And in the darkest places of our stories and hearts that most people aren't usually accustomed to talking about. And when we laugh together, it's comes from a deep place of enjoyment and being enjoyed.

I guess because I have tasted of this, I am no longer willing to settle for counterfeit relationships. I am no longer willing to shy away from evil and allow it to shut me down. I am no longer willing to settle. I have had a taste of heaven and I can't ever go back to living a life of pretending.

After our meeting about what was next for Grace Groups and our involvement in it here, I sat with four other couples who I had asked to stay and pray for me and with me. I spoke about my deepest places of pain and I was heard and validated. My body was shaking and I cried and snot ran out my nose and mascara stained my chin from tears that were cried from the depths of my soul. They stayed with me and didn't shy away from my words and some of the humiliating things I said out loud. They all cried and had tears for me and that felt beautiful.

I have felt immensely the absence of my family. I live with the pain of not having a mother and the pain of not knowing her or being known by her even when she was alive. I live with a new pain of not being in relationship with my sister and father and the pain there has been so great I haven't known what to do with it other than to return to familiar habits that are only violent and hurt me. I have felt alone and confused and angry with the Lord and how He is calling me to live. And last night, I finally met Him there while being nestled safely within my community.

Last night, Ellen told me I needed mother's words and that she would give them to me when I needed them. Gary embraced me and kissed my forehead and told me he was proud of me. His hugs are safe and warm and I feel his fatherly affections for me and relish how good and safe they feel. Bethany said she sees me as a sister and wants the same for me with her and I felt honored that she wanted that with me because I had wanted that with her.

It was evident where God has filled the holes for me to care for my heart as I live with longing and hope for restoration as I attempt to love others with boldness.

Today I feel brave and courageous and full of guts and gumption. And I don't know what I'll feel tomorrow or when the next big and scary thing happens and I am bracing for opposition. But I do know that I am not alone in it the way I thought I was. I am surrounded by my community of friends, brothers, sisters, fathers and mothers who love and care for my heart the way I think God intended for all believers to love and care for one another.

Today I feel cherished and loved by the God I've been so angry at. Today I feel grateful and hopeful. And today I will sit here and rejoice of the great things He has done. And today I will press on for more. Because there is more, so much more, to be had.

Inside my Mommy-Heart

2010-11-12T07:00:00.001-06:00

When dreaming about what it was going to be like to be a mom, I always saw myself having a daughter. I never really imagined pictures of motherhood with a little boy. And when I found out I was pregnant in December almost two years ago now, I naturally assumed that I would have a girl. Perhaps it's because of my story and how I long for redemption there and to experience things with my daughter that I couldn't or didn't with my own mom.

I still remember the day we found out Tommy's identity and a piece of me was so disappointed. I even cried. And it took me a good two months to adjust to the idea that I was going to have a son and not a daughter. I only told my closest friends of my disappointment, because what kind of mother feels disappointed at the news that they are having a healthy baby boy? I felt guilty about it at the time though I realize now that my desires for wanting a daughter were good and pure. When I found out we were expecting I boy I thought....How on earth was I going to be a mom to a boy? Why would God give me a boy? Is He sure He knows what He's doing?

Since Tommy has been born and come into our lives, I'd like to think I have a little bit more insight as to why God blessed us with him and not a her. And I am thankful that God does know what He is doing, because now, I cannot imagine my life without Tommy in it.

And while I still long for tea parties and hair-braiding and princess playing and dress shopping, I don't think I would have ever thought raising a boy would have been as fun as it is. Because wow, it is fun.

Tommy is silly and wild and has so much energy. He craves adventure and wants to be outdoors any second he can get. He is independent and wants to do things on his own, and yet he knows as soon as he is unable to climb a step or something is out of his reach, he turns to look at us and gives us his familiar grunt to let us know we are needed. He loves to play and sing and splash water all over the bathroom. He loves to hide things in drawers and cabinets (our TV remote is STILL missing!). He gets angry when things don't work his way or he can't have something and he isn't afraid to express his disappointment either. He freely gives kisses at the most random of moments and I treasure every one. When it's time for bed he grabs his bear and heads to his door all on his own and never puts up a fight.

Tommy is also tenderhearted and cautious. He doesn't like loud noises or loud people and he proceeds with caution around anyone he doesn't know or isn't familiar with. He likes to check people out for awhile before he deems them safe. He can be shy and quiet and yet as soon as he knows you, he shows his true colors. He is social only once he is comfortable. All of this reminds me of the man that I married and I love how much Tommy is like Todd here and I wonder how they might challenge each other as Tommy grows older.

I have so many hopes and dreams for my son. I wonder what things will interest him as he grows. These days, he is into cars and choo-choo trains and tractors and trucks - anything with wheels. He loves things that he can play music with and he loves his books. I wonder how these things will change over time or if they will. I'm curious who is favorite superhero will be and if he'll like sports. I hope he loves hunting and fishing so he and Todd can share that together. I wonder if he will sing or play guitar or act. If he'll go to college or be a musician or find a trade that he enjoys. It's fun to wonder and dream here.

Along with the hopes and dreams come fears too. I wonder when he'll break his arm for the first time or catch something on fire. I wonder if he will be liked in school or if he will sit alone at the lunch table. I pray that he comes to know the Lord and then I wonder what his relationship with God will look like and if he will struggle there like I have. I wonder how he will encounter God's grace on his own personal level and because I know how I have experienced it, it makes me scared for him. I wonder what it will look like when he becomes interested in girls and when we have to start talking about things like sex.

Of course I wonder if there will be a brother or sister in his future too. For now, I guess God only knows, and I am SO okay with not knowing yet.

Motherhood really isn't what I thought it was going to be. It's more.

It's more expensive. It requires more sacrifice. It's more awake hours and less sleep ones. It's more cleaning up macaroni and cheese off the floor and more chasing him down the side-walk because I can't keep up. It's more hugs and kisses than I thought I'd ever have. It's more shoes I have to live without and more clothes for him because he keeps growing. It's more reading the same book over and over again and more hoping he'll someday say the word. It's more wonderful and more difficult than I ever imagined. It's more and I love that it's more.
I'm not sure this little guy will grow up to be. But I know who Todd and I are and how we want to love him. We want to be real and not shy away from the messy or complicated things that come with being parents and being kids. We want to develop traditions and do fun things and create millions of family memories even if we don't have a lot of money to do extravagant things. We want to play with him and encourage his hopes and dreams. We want to help him fight evil and the lies he will be tempted to believe about himself. We want him to be grossed out by how many times we kiss in front of him because we are still in love with each other.

It feels hard knowing that we'll fall short and where we already do. Maybe I shouldn't think about how bad I'll mess up with this whole mom gig, but I do. But I guess if Todd and I got it all right and were perfect parents from beginning to end, Tommy would never need Jesus. For me, it's where I've been able to see the places where my parents just missed it, are the places I've needed Him the most.

Above all, my desire for him is to not just know Jesus, but come to a place where he knows that he needs him. This is where I have come alive. This is where I am living and living well. And I could want nothing more for my son than that....

The Christmas Stocking Crisis

2010-11-11T10:10:00.004-06:00

I don't sew. Never have.

My Grammy tried to teach me a few times when I was younger. She promised me that someday I would need this skill and it would come in handy. Especially when I got married and my husband needed a button sewn on his shirt.

She got as far as helping me stuff pillows we would make together with white fluffy stuffing, which was mildly fun, but all of the hemming and button sewing and pedal pressing on her machine was left to her and I watched with boredom wishing we were baking cookies instead

Cookies. Now, that was something I could get into.

And for the record, if Todd has lost any buttons on his shirts in the last four and a half years he's been married to me, he's either lived without the button or we've gotten rid of the shirt. No kidding.

So sadly, her efforts to teach me to sew failed. Though I can cook and bake and keep a clean house (most of the time) and decorate it and host dinners and all of that - there is no sewing. And now I am finding myself in a place in my life where I actually wish it was something I knew how to do. I think she told me this would happen at some point, and I never believed her.

Grammy, congratulations. You were right. I wish I would have learned to sew. *sigh*

Christmas is right around the corner and unlike previous years, there will not be a huge budget for any new Christmas decorations - if any really. And I think I'll survive. However. I have about six sets of different Christmas stockings - none of which I really like anymore and I usually buy new ones every year. I have found a few options online that I like, but they are upwards of $50 a piece and well....I don't think I have $50 to spend on 3 or 4 of them much less a single stocking.

I love the style with the fun pointy toes that remind me of the Who's from Whoville, but I'm picky about colors and fabrics and sometimes I wish I could have an endless Christmas decorating budget and change everything entirely. I'm mostly afraid that I will end up with stockings I finally love and adore and none of my decor goes around them. It's kind of like buying a pair of shoes and then getting the outfit to go around it....

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'll do. More than likely, I will suffer through the sets of old stockings I despise and continue waiting for the perfect ones to come to me. Though I'm still itching to try and create something on my own.

That being said, I've been wondering what kind of magic I could make happen with some hot glue and hemming tape....

What Love Really Means

2010-11-09T09:54:00.004-06:00

I heard this song on the radio this morning and found myself weeping in my car on the way to work. It's called What Love Really Means by J.J. Heller. Oh, please listen to it.

It reminded me of places in my story where I didn't feel loved. It reminded me of places where I experienced what it was like to have someone love me for me the first time. It took me to the place where I am questioning God's goodness and plan for me and love for me too and if I could believe what she said in this song.

I've been struggling in some pretty intense places with God the last several days. I awoke Monday night at 3:00am and tried to read my Bible and meet with Him. And yet the only prayer I could muster up was "I don't know what to say to you right now. I'm not ready to talk. Can I go back to sleep now?" Yes. I approach His throne with quite a bit of boldness. And I am ever thankful that He waits for my unwilling heart to go where we need to go together.

There are deeper and bigger thoughts culminating and I've begun writing them down. I think, it might maybe be a book. Not a, you'll-find-this-in-Borders-someday kind of book. Just a very, very long blog-postish kind of thing. But I think perhaps I've needed to write down what it is that I'm writing for a long time. And I'm wondering what will keep flowing out of me as I continue to write it. It feels painful to do it.

I feel desperate for some kind of relief. How many more tears will I cry Lord? How long will I turn to other things and not You? I want more with You and more of You and I feel stuck here....

This song pricked my heart today. I'm grateful for music and how God continues to use it to draw me to His heart even when I'm so confused by Him and want to keep my distance. He does love me for me even when I struggle believing it could be true.

The Great Yard Sale of 2010

2010-11-08T09:57:00.002-06:00

In theory, a garage sale is a great idea. It sounds awesome to gather all the old or worn stuff you have or even things you don't use or need anymore and sell them to people who could find them useful. Because at one point we found them useful and why wouldn't someone else? And the bonus is that you could make a bunch of money and have it be enough to go shopping for new shoes or do all your Christmas present shopping with. Yes, in theory, a garage sale is a great idea.

On Saturday, we had a pretty big collaborative family sale at my in-law's house. We advertised on Craigslist and in the newspaper and had fun signs everywhere. I even woke up at 6:00am in the morning on a Saturday to help get everything set up and organized.
We all started off in good spirits. Making signs and anticipating our future customers and how much money would be in our pockets at the end of the day.
It was only a matter of time before we started getting on each other's nerves and losing our patience. Tommy's face kind of says it all.
Our portion of the sale made us a grand total of $86.25. Tiffany raked in the most at $160 and my mom-in-law made $105. It kind of felt like a whole lot of work for a whole lot of nothing, though I suppose we can't complain.

Though I did actually get SUNBURNED (well, more like "sunkissed" but still). It's NOVEMBER, not July and I wasn't tubing. What the heck?
Yesterday all of the leftovers that didn't sell were loaded up and headed over to Goodwill for donations. At least our garages aren't as full and we have a little extra cash in our pockets than we did before. And I think it will be a very, very long time before we venture to do this again!

A Broken Hallelujah

2010-11-04T11:03:00.009-05:00

Life is so much more than Halloween costumes and dining room table refinishes isn't it. I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't wish for that kind of simplicity. Where life consisted of only happy daily activities and I could flit through life without a care in the world. But then there would be no sustenance and depth to life.

It seems to be that the tragedies and the pain and suffering of the every day, almost make it worth living. Because it's there that we have the opportunity to meet Jesus in ways that we couldn't have otherwise. And it's also there where we can feel the most loved and show up for others. Perhaps in this place, we can experience the abundant life Christ promised us. When we are in despair and in touch with something that has been lost, we know we are most alive and are then faced with deciding how to live in the midst of it. We must decide to either hope and struggle well amidst our disappointments or kill the ache in our hearts with violence and addictions.

I am no stranger to loss. And I am no stranger to killing the ache in my own heart with violence and addictions. For me, I have recognized where I have done the greatest damage to myself and to others as a result from feeling the pain of what has been lost for me.

This week, a painful boundary was set in place. A season of silence has come upon someone I am in relationship with in my family. Though this is my own choice and of my own doing, it hasn't made it any less painful. Honestly, it's felt gross and wrong. Probably because it is. I can't imagine that this is what God desires or wants for any family. I can only imagine how this breaks His heart. When it comes down to it, I love this person. I miss this person. And I want more with this person. I want more for this person. More importantly, and above all, I want more with Jesus. And this season is needed for restoration for my own heart.

I feel heavy and I find myself in a familiar place of choosing how to live here. For years this has looked like isolating, eating, hiding and pushing away my husband. The last few days I have felt the pull to return to familiar habits. I haven't even had a work-out since Saturday and my body is beginning to miss the feeling that exercise provided for my body. The temptation is there to fill my body with food and there have been many moments I have stood in front of my pantry, one grab away from an act of violence. The invitation to hate myself and sit in self-contempt and isolate is ever present. Yet I'm not accepting the invitation. Yesterday I had a friend over breakfast, another friend over in the afternoon and last night I was laughing with my husband over silliness. The old me would have cancelled on my friends and sat emotionless and distant from Todd. I want to cheer at these victories and yet I still feel broken-hearted. How is this?

Today I am grateful for my pain. I am grateful for loss. Because it's here that I come to my Savior - The Wounded Healer - and ask Him to meet me here. It's His love and healing that I need.

And if all was well in my world, and if my life were only about Halloween costumes and dining room table refinishes, then I'd be missing it.

I found a song this morning that feels fitting for where I'm at today. Have a listen.

Dining Room Table Make-over!

2010-11-02T10:48:00.005-05:00

We inherited our dining room set from Todd's folks. When we were engaged and went furniture shopping, we picked out a living room set and bedroom suite and I've always loved those pieces. But, I've never been crazy about our dining room set because it was a light colored oak, and it just so happens that I prefer dark woods to light.

Since the furniture was kind of on "loan" from Todd's parents -meaning they wanted it back when we were done with it, I'd left it alone. But recently, especially after realizing a new dining room set was years out of reach, I finally was bold enough to ask if we could just have the loaner furniture and could we maybe, *gasp* paint it?!

To my delight, my mom-in-law was glad to let us keep it and do what we had wanted to with it. It was quite an ordeal finding the "perfect" color to paint it, but we settled on a beautiful melted chocolate brown color. Todd was using up some vacation time last week and spent the time redoing our table and chairs.

I think it turned out great - and looks a little bit more modern. I know it's not for everyone, but I absolutely love it!

Long ago, I converted Todd's old dresser into a buffet that's always sat in our dining area. This too got a make-over with new paint and knobs for the drawers. Though it looks much prettier in person than in this picture.
So another house project is done and complete. And now we are on to preparing for the big family garage sale this weekend!

Halloween Highlights

2010-11-01T09:46:00.002-05:00

Halloween was SO much fun! Just ask Tommy....actually, all of the door opening and closing to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters was a torturous experience for him I think. He wanted to be outside and join in on all the fun.
He was the cutest Woody ever!! I was a little surprised how well he did with the bandanna around his neck. Of course, the hat didn't stay on for long.
We had some friends over for a little cookout and all of us minus Todd decided to dress up.

I was from Jersey - a cross from all of the New Jersey related shows I watch. I'm a little bit Snookie, a little bit Real Housewives and a little bit Jerseylicious. I was trying to go for this serious bitchy look, and well, this is what happened.
Our friends that we had over were vampires. Their little girl slept the whole time she was there, but she was Minnie Mouse and was super cute!
And no Halloween would be complete without a pumpkin pie. I was rather proud of this one as my homemade crust was almost perfect this time. Maybe by Thanksgiving this year I'll finally have defeated my ongoing battle with pie crusts.
And I can't believe it's November already. We have a couple of big things going on this month. A huge family garage sale this weekend and a possible camping trip and of course Thanksgiving celebrations...Happy November everyone!

There is a Season

2010-10-29T07:00:00.003-05:00

The seasons are a wondrous thing. I love that God in His infinite creativity created our earth to change and not stay the same year round. There is beauty to be had in all of the seasons and His majesty shows up in snow covered mountains, autumn red trees, spring flowers and clear sunshine-filled summer days. The very world we live in is ever changing around us as are we. I never tire of His creation and how He makes it for us to enjoy throughout the year in different ways.

Exactly one year ago, I wrote THIS post. It was a day where I was wondering when the season I was in would end and my biggest fear being that it would have no end. That season meant working full time and feeling exhausted, feeling behind, and feeling lonely. One of the things I have come to love about blogging is being able to look back on things that have been written in the past. To see what has changed and what has stayed the same.

Unbeknownst to me, the season I was in at the time would end in a few short months and I would no longer be working full time and miss out on being a new mom. But I remember my discouragement and frustration and even how lousy I felt physically.

There really is a season for all things. Every season always has the promise that it will come to an end and another follows behind it shortly with its share of beauty and loss.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is found in Ecclesiastes. Because I love this passage so much, I had a dear friend read it at our wedding. I admit I've never memorized it in its entirety, but it is a passage of God's word that I treasure in my heart as if He included it in Scripture just for me. It takes me back to a time in my life as a high-schooler when my relationship with Him began to take shape and become real because of the loss I was experiencing at the time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 14
¹ To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: ² A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; ³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; ⁴ A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; ⁵ A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to throw away; ⁷ A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; ⁸ A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace. ¹⁴ I know that whatever God does, It shall be forever. Nothing can be added to it, And nothing taken from it. God does it, that men should fear before Him.

I love this passage because it navigates through the mess of our emotions and feelings and how doing so tends to make life rich, tragic, beautiful, imperfect and full. It gives permission to grieve and sorrow and get angry. And it invites us to celebrate and sing and dance too. This passage makes me feel heard by God and gives my feelings and emotions validation. It also gives face to the people I am relationship with who are a part (or not a part) of these seasons alongside of me.

My heart has been experiencing a new season lately. And it's interesting that I have found how so many things can exist in it at once. There are places where I am silent and places where I speak. There are things that I am mourning and there are also places of celebration where I want to dance. And though it's quite messy, I've come to think it's beautiful and glorious.

Though there is much left unsaid here, I am aware of what new seasons are ahead and what seasons are now behind. And I am mindful of the courage and guts it will take to continue to live well in the seasons that are ahead of me. And I feel relief as I look at those seasons of life which felt hard and awful and know that those are over and done.

To the handful of people that come here and read, I'm curious what season you find yourself in. As the leaves begin to turn and the weather cools and we begin to fill our bodies with foods rich and warm, and build with anticipation of celebrating Christ's birth, where does it leave you?

Are you in anticipation of the holidays or full of dread as they approach? Are you waiting? Are you hoping and longing for something? Are you grieving? Are you celebrating? Are you rejoicing in answered prayer? Are you angry? Are you experiencing loss or disappointment? Are you laughing and dancing?

My mind wanders to those in my life who are in their own unique seasons. Friends waiting for a new home and job. A friend waiting on God for what is next after experiencing another devastating job rejection. A friend anticipating the love of her life proposing to her before the year ends. Friends waiting and wondering and trying to keep hope alive that there will be life in their wombs after years of disappointment. A friend experiencing life within her after waiting for years to become pregnant. A friend resting in her new marriage after having to do it on her own for so long. A friend living with hope while her husband undergoes cancer treatments.

The one constant in every season is Him. He is with me, and all of us who know Him, in all of them. He is steadfast, true and consistent. And yet He is wild and mysterious. I love knowing that He walks with me through every season reminding me that I am never alone in it.

And whatever He does...it shall be forever. Amen.

Death of a DJ

2010-10-28T10:07:00.003-05:00

You see, I've had this minor obsession with Woody for years now. It started back in the day when I used to live with my Gramma. I would set my alarm clock and lay in bed for about 20 minutes listening to his silly banter before showering. His show was always a bit distracting. I think I was even late to work on occasion because I didn't want to get out of my car before the rest of his story was done. I couldn't miss it.

One day I woke up at Gramma's house and Woody was nowhere to be found. He wasn't on the radio at all! I searched the worldwide web and came up with no answers. I finally called the radio station to find out what happened to my blessed and most favoritest DJ in the world. And all they told me was that they were taking the radio show in a "different direction" and unfortunately he wasn't part of it.

The man got fired and I was livid. Since that day I boycotted the evil radio station that took my darling Woody from my life. From that point on, my mornings were never the same. And I grieved. Oh did I grieve.

A few years ago driving down I-37 on the way to the coast, I spotted a glorious billboard with a huge message of hope on it for me. On it was a new station and one simple message...

WOODY'S BACK?!

I screamed with delight and I think I actually started crying a little bit. Indeed. Woody was back on another station in town and all was right in my world again.

Admittedly, I even e-mailed the man with the subject title "Your biggest fan" (which should have perhaps been, "Your most psycho obsessed fan") and he even wrote me back and everything. To my dismay, I have never run into him in town, and if I did, I'm sure he would definitely wish he had never met because I think I might go all star-crazed on him and request a picture and an autograph or something.

A few weeks ago I heard he was looking for a co-host after his had moved on and I considered quite seriously trying to pursue the job. I would work 5am to 9am and could still do my other job. And I thought it would be hilariously fun to work with him and basically "talk" for part of my living. But I decided against it. Mostly because I didn't think I could get through the week waking up at 3am every day to get ready for work. SO not my thing.

This morning on my drive to work I turned on my favorite radio show to listen to my favorite DJ like I usually do. And once again my world become completely and utterly disrupted. He announced that tomorrow is his last show EVER for that station. And I thought I was going to die all over again. Though this time he's not being fired and is leaving on his own accord, this radio listener is still incredibly devastated.

Apparently he's going to do talk radio on the weeknights. Who listens to the radio at night? Doesn't he know that's when all the Real Housewives come on? Ugh.

So today is a day of mourning for me and my lost DJ. Oh Woody. I will miss thee.

Does anyone else have a favorite morning radio show?

Muffin Top

2010-10-27T07:01:00.002-05:00

Un-official definition for muffin-top: The part of your belly that hangs over the waistline of your pants and just looks wrong.

I think I know why some people choose to sport the muffin top even when they can see it in the mirror. Maybe it's because they can and they just don't care!

Muffin-topping was something I learned to be careful of doing many, many pounds ago and tried to make sure I had pants that fit me right so the dreaded muffin top wouldn't occur. I am so muffin-topping in this picture and ordinarily I would really, really care about how bad this looked. But I just don't.

Because I am in a whole size smaller! Shirts that haven't fit me in two years are fitting again. Pants are way looser everywhere. And it feels really good. I'm down 18 pounds (in two months) now and dang proud of it too. And people are finally starting to notice which always feels like a confidence booster. My favorite thing about the way I feel right is how different it feels when Todd puts his arms around me to hug me. I feel smaller and I love feeling that in his arms.

So today, I'm just announcing that I'm a muffin-topper and proud of it!

She's far away

2010-10-26T08:33:00.003-05:00

I saw her as I walked through the doors, though she didn't see me at first. As we found our way down the hall to drop Tommy off in the nursery at a different church, she started running towards me with excitement and my heart leapt within me.

Maybe all had been forgotten. Maybe she missed me. Maybe we could go back to the way things had been.

But instead, she looked at me and then looked away quickly as she linked arms with someone else in front of me and my heart sank. I thought I was going to crumble to the floor in that instant. But I continued walking, holding back my tears and disappointment.

After we dropped Tommy off, I put my arms around her and said hello and I hugged her tight. The ache was ever presently there.

During the service, I watched her sing on stage and wondered how she looked so grown up when she was just five yesterday. When did she become such a beautiful young lady? After the music, she sat down in front of me and cuddled up to someone else that we both love and call sister. It felt painful and I wished it was me that she had sat next to. I wished it was me that was sitting with the both of them. Why couldn't it be like that? Why has it never been like that? I felt like I didn't belong there. And perhaps I have felt that way for a long time. I continued to hold back my tears as I squeezed Todd's hand. He knew why I had squeezed it and gave me a look of sorrow as if to say, "I know."

I uttered a prayer to God.

"Oh God. Please! This hurts me so bad. Oh God." I knew He could read between the lines of my prayer and what it meant.

After the service I said a quick goodbye to her and nothing more. I got into our car and began to weep over the morning which had been much more painful than I could have ever anticipated. I cried for the next two hours. I sat with my husband and vented my anger and frustration and sorrow. I called some friends and reached out instead of sitting in self-contempt or pity.

A few hours later, I washed my face and put my make up on again. I could see her a bit in the mirror as I got ready for the party. We have some of the same facial features.

We are sisters after all.

Though at the moment, no one so close to me, has felt so far away.

She is protecting her own heart as much as I am my own. I don't expect her to know or understand or approve or agree of where I am at. There is no way that she could. And I've had to back off and let her go at her request. But I miss her and love her and my life feels the void of her absence. And as the holidays approach I'm wondering how I will navigate through the mess here.

My biggest fear is wondering if I'll have to wait for heaven to experience restoration here too.

Oh God, please.

*Note* The purpose of this blog is for me to capture memories and feelings and thoughts of my every day life. Whether those things be full of silly and fun, or pain. I have always wanted to be "real" here. There is much here I don't say or put out there as my intention here is to not hurt others with my words. Currently, I have some "complicated" family relationships. And the freshest of these complications is written about above.*

1st Annual Pumpkin Carving Party

2010-10-25T09:32:00.005-05:00

Well. I say 1st Annual, but I haven't fully decided if there will be a repeat of this party in the years to come. Oh we all had a fun and great time, but I think I had high expectations of what pumpkin carving was going to be like. And well....
It was totally gross. I mean this whole process of digging the "guts" out of the pumpkin? Nasty! My arms were all gooey and gross and orange and to my surprise, the innards of a pumpkin smell nothing like pumpkin pie.
However. There was a lot of silliness in all of the carving nonsense.
Lots of silliness. Which is of course the best part of any party.
And I also learned that my husband is a man of many, many talents. Because he has never carved a pumpkin before either, and his was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Someone called it "A creepy path to creepiness," when he was done.

See! I told you it was awesome!

And can I say that I never cease to be amazed at how anytime I have a party, my guests always end up sitting on the kitchen floor?

All in all, it was a great fun time. Even if it was messy.

A few of the finished pumpkins (mine is the one with the heart in it and mine and Todd's initials because I am oh so creative.)
So another successful Jenn-sational party for the books. Happy pumpkin carving ya'll!

Feeling Listy

2010-10-20T07:05:00.001-05:00

Starting next week I will be taking on a third day of work. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it other than knowing we need the income and I wish there was a way to have more income with working the same amount of days. *sigh* So no more four day weekends. Mondays will now be work days in addition to Tuesdays and Thursdays.

My Gramma recently learned to text message and she sends novel text messages to me. I think it's cute and she's adorable. Gramma texts are my favorite!

I want to take a hike. Like literally go hiking somewhere. But I'm not sure when. Or more importantly, where?

Soon we will be taking Tommy to the zoo for the very first time. I don't like the zoo - mostly for the smell. At least not what I remembered.....so this should be interesting.

Just the other day I was thinking that God couldn't do something. And then He showed up and did it and left me stunned and amazed yet again. I find myself feeling grateful and wondering why I'm still surprised.

I never realized how many fat grams and calories were IN the foods I liked to eat until recently. And it's making me feel more careful about what I consume and how much of it. Which is a good thing I suppose.

I'm waiting for the next cold snap to bust out some tomato-basil soup. And I'm already missing my friend Lori with whom I would eat it with.

And where did our cold weather go?

I found a new blouse on sale at my favorite store the other day. And it was a 1X shirt. Not a 2X or a 3X shirt. And yes!!! That felt really, really, really good!

I've been planning on getting another tattoo so I think that will be in the making sometime soon. And well, I'll save that story for a non-listy day. (o:

Finally found pumpkin creamer at the store and my coffee is much more exciting now.

Having a friend and her little girl over for dinner tonight. I wonder how much conversation we will be able to have with two boisterous toddlers!

It's so time for a haircut. *sigh* I wish the salon could work out a payment plan!

Feeling pretty today. Even with my needing-to-be-cut hair.

Happy Wednesday.

Getting Dressed. And 45 minutes.

2010-10-19T08:42:00.005-05:00

This is my closet. Some major damage was going on in here over the weekend. And my closet wasn't the only thing that suffered.
Getting dressed is hard. Because every time I go and try an outfit on, I critique everything I see in the mirror.

Look at the muffin top.

My bra looks too tight.

I look like I've lost zero pounds in this!

My boobs look weird in this shirt.

This doesn't hide my belly the way I want it to.

I look hideous in this.

And then the comments take a "they" form.

What will they think of me in this?

They will think I'm trying too hard to look good.

They're just going to laugh at me.

They aren't going to see that I've lost any weight if I wear this shirt.

Gross. The process of getting dressed is just gross sometimes. I'm violent to myself and my violence takes form in the literal destruction of my closet. There are over ten shirts on the floor of my closet - not to mention what was on my bedroom floor - after a getting dressed experience over the weekend.
I was going out with a friend on Friday and I was running late to pick her up. I sent her a message saying," I'm having wardrobe crisis issues this morning. So I haven't left. As soon as I pick myself up out of my shame puddle, I'll be there...."

First of all, I loved that she was the kind of friend that I could really tell why I was running late instead of making up some lame excuse or lying. Because I don't think I would have just told anyone that. And second, I didn't let my "wardrobe crisis issues" as I had put it, sabotage the day and I had a good and enjoyable time without creating chaos or inviting her to rescue me.

But it seems as though the process of getting dressed remains to be difficult no matter what things fit me now, no matter what is loose, and no matter what the scale says. I still manage to be hard on myself and my identity takes a beating. And whoever "they" are, has some kind of power over me and how I see myself.

The battles rage on within me. And though these days I've felt like I'm winning, the battles still come with great intensity.

At the pumpkin patch over the weekend, I had a classic Jenn meltdown when looking at the pictures taken and thought how horrible and ugly I looked. On the car ride home I looked through my camera again of the pictures we had just taken and I began to cry at my inability to find kindness and truth for the woman I saw. It made me grieve for the girl and teenager I was who felt horrible and ugly and no one told her otherwise. I began to see me in the pictures as beautiful. As an overweight woman who has lost 16 pounds and is trying and fighting. I saw a woman who loved doing things with her family. I saw a woman whose husband adored her. I saw a woman who was a mother and who had an adorable little boy.

Forty five minutes later I had cried, I tore down the lies about myself, put up the truth about who I really was and bounced back. This process used to take days or sometimes weeks for me to do. And in those days and weeks it took to bounce back I would eat and isolate. But Sunday, it happened in the length of a car ride.

Forty five minutes. Forty five minutes!

I guess I'm beginning to realize (finally) that these things are going to keep on coming. As long as I'm here, there will be assaults from evil trying to convince me that I'm something I'm not. And I've been discouraged before about my inability to eliminate this from happening entirely or wondering what was wrong with me and what I didn't get. But I think there will probably more closet crises and more photo ops with my family that lead me down the path of self-contempt and violence. But it's the time in which I bounce back that tells of my healing and recovery.

All this to say, I feel like celebrating. Because God has done great things in my heart. And the song in my heart today....

To God be the glory, great things He hath done...

Pumpkin patch in pictures

2010-10-18T07:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, we had a little family outing to the pumpkin patch in Boerne. I always love going - maybe it's because of my obsession with all things pumpkin. I'm hoping this will be a family tradition for years to come.

Anna and her two Aunties.

The love of my life.

Trying to take a family photo with a toddler.....

And my little pumpkin. Best. Picture. Ever.

Happy fall ya'll.

The Wedding Dress Dream

2010-10-14T10:56:00.004-05:00

Lately, I have found myself coming alive to a dream that I had squashed for a while. I think it's because I've been having success and victory with weight loss and the idea that I could do this and it could actually become a reality and not just a dream feels exciting and hopeful.

The dress I wore in my wedding was borrowed. It was lovely and nice and it looked good on me. But it wasn't the dress that I had dreamed of. And because I borrowed a dress, I never had the experience of trying on dresses with the people you typically try wedding dresses on with either. The wedding dress had been a point of conflict with my dad when wedding planning and to smooth things over and to be budget friendly for all of the other expenses for the wedding, I borrowed the dress that was offered to me.

I killed my longings for what I had really wanted. I felt as though I wasn't worth the beautiful ball gown I had envisioned anyway. And I didn't know how I was supposed to go wedding dress shopping without my mom. I didn't want to go through the additional pain when I had already so greatly had felt her absence as I was wedding planning. As I look back on my wedding day, the one and only regret I have for the day was my dress and not having my very own.

A year later when my best friend was getting married, I couldn't go with her to look at the gowns she was trying on. I'm still saddened at the damage I did to her and our friendship by not being there because of where I was at in having killed my longings for my own dress.

I asked Todd long ago that if I could ever lose the weight I wanted and become the size I was when we were married (or maybe even smaller) if I could buy a wedding dress. And he wholeheartedly agreed. We could get an amazing photographer and take pictures and have a night out on the town in our wedding gear and even have a weekend getaway. It wouldn't be a vow renewal of any kind. It would just be a very expensive, lavish and glorious time of redemption.

In the last few years I've squashed my dream and deemed it impossible and even stupid. And in addition to living well and different in other ways now, my heart is starting to dream things again. This being one of the biggies.

And I've been looking. For the dress I envision now, it's not the ball gown I had originally wanted to wear down the aisle. I want something sexy, feminine, elegant and womanly. I want Todd's mouth to drop.

And what I've been looking at? THIS is one of my favorites. And this. And oh this. And this too! Not that I could afford any of these options, but the silhouette and design is what I'm wanting.

I have in mind the people I want to join me the day I go wedding dress shopping - which may be quite an entourage! I can envision taking pictures with Todd in my new dress and him being in a tux. My dream is within reach and it feels good to know that I'm no longer squashing it.

Maybe sometime next year....who knows? But I know it's coming.

Let's go for a drive

2010-10-13T14:17:00.002-05:00

I told him he'd have to wait at least fifteen more years.
But he said it was never too soon to start learning.
Slow down baby. Slow down.

On halloween and pumpkin carving

2010-10-12T11:43:00.004-05:00

Growing up we just didn't "do" Halloween. We would turn off all the lights, lock the doors and pretend we weren't home. I didn't go to any parties or dress up or trick-or-treat. And to clarify, I'm not bitter about my upbringing or disagreeing with my dad's convictions. I guess that's the beauty of conviction - they are your own and then you can instill them in your children. And then they can grow up and decide for themselves and live a life by their own convictions.

So.

I'm a grown-up now with my own family and get to decide what to do with Halloween now. I can't stand the horror movie, zombie walking, haunted house, Freddy Kugerness of Halloween. I don't even like witches or ghosts cartoonish in nature. But I love the idea of costumes and dressing up. I am pro-candy and being kind and neighborly and I totally have a thing for pumpkins. I think I'll have a hard time if or when Tommy decides he wants to be something bloody or scary and we might have to have a talk about that at some point.

So, one of the things I have never done is carve a pumpkin. Yeah, ever! And I thought it was high time I give it a whirl. I'm even planning a party around the whole thing. I have no clue yet if anyone will join me or come, but I'm excited to know that my first pumpkin carving escapade is coming up. I've seen a few friends throw these parties and they look super fun. Plus, I'll use any excuse to throw a party.

Also, I can't decide on my costume this year. Though I have a feeling it's going to be New Jersey-esque.

First Date Anniversary Celebration

2010-10-07T09:53:00.004-05:00

Five years ago today, I drove up the parking lot of HEB and walked into the store headed for the pharmacy to take a cute guy that I was just getting to know some homemade cupcakes for his birthday. I didn't know much about him at that point other than the fact that I thought he had the best smile in the world, he was quite cute and I liked being near him.

I showed up wondering how I would muster up the guts to ask him on a date and not knowing if he even had plans already. I still remember how he skipped out the pharmacy door when he saw me arrive, cupcakes in hand. Apparently, the surprise had been blown by his sister and he knew that I was coming and was excited that I was finally there.

Before I could figure out how to ask him what his plans were for the night, he asked me, "So, what are you doing tonight?" Which was the perfect question ever because I was able to reply, "I'm taking you out for your birthday. Where do you wanna go?"

We ended up eating a favorite steakhouse of ours and later played pool at a friend's house. And we ended up being joint at the hip all weekend long going to a party and a picnic and well, the rest is history.
Tomorrow we'll be celebrating his birthday and the 4th anniversary of our first date. Can't wait!

Happy 41st birthday sweetheart! I love you with all my heart!

Real life prayers

2010-10-06T07:31:00.001-05:00

Please let him go back to sleep. I'm not ready to get up yet.

Keep me sane Lord. His fussing is driving me nuts and I'm so over cleaning up snot.

I hope you're still as big as I think You are. Do you see that pile of bills?

Thank you for generous pizza ordering tippers. Can we do that again the next time he delivers?

Keep him safe driving. Keep him safe at work. Thank you for our jobs and income.

I love my house. Thank you for providing it so we could live here.

Why? Why me? Why this? Why now?

Wow. What a beautiful sunrise.

What? No weight loss change again when I've been working so hard? Help me keep going.

Thank you for hunger and the fact that I can eat now. Thank you for a fridge full of food to eat and plenty of water to drink even though I want a Big Red.

This isn't fair.

Could I please just have a day to myself. Just one?

I want another baby and I'm scared of what it would be like to risk here. And I'm not ready to yet...

What awesome weather - thanks for making it to where I can open my windows and turn off the AC.

I'm frustrated. A little help here please!

A parking spot near the front maybe?

Give me the courage to talk to someone new at church today.

You know me so well.

I love you.

Sometimes all I can pray is a sigh.
Sometimes all I can pray is a clenched fist.
Sometimes all I can pray is a hand lifted in worship.

And regardless of what my prayers look like - I know He hears me.

Look what I made!

2010-10-05T09:18:00.004-05:00

With so much alone time on my hands as of late, I have finally been able to get some of my scrapbooky things organized. I think it's been almost two years since I've worked on anything! But I've been itching to do something crafty, so Tommy's nap-time seems to be the perfect opportunity. So yesterday, I made this for Christmas:
I bought this frame eons ago for this very purpose and I love how it turned out! It even gave me some great ideas for Christmas gifts this year....

And though it looks like a mess, I was able to get everything organized in our room so that I have my own area to scrapbook now instead of sprawling out on the dining room table and having it be a pain to clean up and put away. Though this is what it usually looks like while I'm in the middle of creating anything.
The weather and the season put me in the scrapbooking mood. And since I have over two years worth of catching up to do, I should be occupied for quite a while!

Going Gruene

2010-10-04T07:20:00.000-05:00

Late in the afternoon yesterday, we got a call from some friends asking if we wanted to meet them up in scenic Gruene (pronounced green) to walk the boys and just enjoy the awesome weather we are having. Todd and I leapt at the opportunity to socialize since his schedule doesn't allow for much couple get togethers these days.

It was a perfect time to be outside and we had such a great time.

We went for a walk and just enjoyed the afternoon and time with our friends. It always seems hard to have adult conversation while caring for vocal toddler boys, but somehow we managed!

We took in some pretty scenery, walked in a few of the shops on the main strip in Gruene, and stopped for a quick meal outside.

Sundays are my favorite day these days. Tommy and I have him all to ourselves!
And Sundays are especially great when you can spend the day doing something fun, enjoying great fall weather, and the company of great friends.

The Grandma she didn't get to be

2010-10-02T07:08:00.000-05:00

There is something about her that reminds me of my mom. The mom that was my mom before she started drinking that is. I think it's her eyes. Or her beauty. Regardless, she reminds me of her and I've been drawn to her like a magnet ever since I met her last year.

Earlier this week she took me to this magical place called "The Island." It's this little retreat in her neighborhood that literally has a large island floating in the middle of a river. It is shady and green and full of life and peace. I felt as though I was transported to somewhere else instead of only being a few miles from home. We drove a golf cart over to the island as I held Tommy in my lap. He enjoyed the ride and the weather was perfect to spend outdoors.

We spent a while at a picnic table taking in the scenery and getting to know one another. I found myself at one point wishing I could have even been alone, because something about this place made me want to cry and feel and just be. I guess sometimes nature has that affect on me.

I felt disrupted by watching her play with him. She was funny and playful and it was obvious he enjoyed her. Tommy usually takes a while to warm up to someone new and with her, he seemed at ease from the beginning. There was a moment when she held him on her hip while we looked at the fish in the river and I thought my heart was going to be ripped from my chest.

Because for a moment it looked like my mom was holding on to my son.

I didn't realize how much I missed not having her here to play with and know Tommy. And yes, he has an Oma. And yes, he has a Nanni. But he doesn't have a Grandma. And I know that she would have been "Grandma."

Missing mom today. And the Grandma that she didn't get to be.

Still in this

2010-09-30T09:03:00.004-05:00

One month and five days ago I wrote THIS POST. And I've hesitated to write anything about this subject since, I guess because in one month's time I was hoping to have one of those pictures of a skinny person standing inside of their old huge pants. And well, that kind of picture just doesn't happen in a month's time.

In fact, my pants are only slightly looser or simply fitting better and I have been tempted to feel discouraged about the fact that I am not yet in a size smaller clothes. And I'm trying to remember that my first goal was just to fit well into the clothes I already had, which, whoohoo, I am!

Yesterday, I went into my pantry about ten times and picked up a cookie. You know the oatmeal ones with cream in the center? And I know that these things shouldn't be in my pantry in the first place but I got them for Todd and he probably shouldn't be eating them either....But, I literally would pick a crinkly wrapped cookie up out of my pantry and go back and stick it back on the shelf. By the end of the day, I was in tears and lamented to Todd about how pathetic it was of me to have that much struggle with a damn cookie. Though he told me he was proud of me and I wasn't pathetic at all...

Also yesterday, on my way home from visiting a friend, I was daydreaming and fantasizing about all of the wonderful fast-foodish places I could stop. I mean, my mouth was watering at the thought of Arby's and Taco Bell and Chicfila and so much of me wanted to exit and order everything I wanted. But I drove. I drove all the way home to my very own kitchen where I made an unsatisfactory lunch for myself but it cured my hunger and was not nearly as calorie-filled or violent as a trip to Arby's could have been. And I wondered what kind of person fantasizes the way I did about gross fast food places, because I had kind of felt like a food pervert.

All this to say, I've definitely been fighting here. I guess I didn't know how intense it would feel and how many things I would have to battle on a daily basis. I wish that I was further along, and yet I'm trying to find kindness for myself that I'm still in this and I'm still going even though I've wanted to give up on several occasions. But I haven't given up, which means I haven't given up on me. And knowing that feels really, really good.

This was a side shot of me at a shower in July.

This is me today - eleven pounds lighter. I mostly only notice in the lower part of my stomach to which I usually refer as my "second belly"....I can see it in my face and my arms have muscles in them and everything which you can't really see, but they're totally there.

I've realized that this is probably going to take some time. It's not going to melt off of me like I want it to.

It's going to take more hard work and more trips to the pantry to put something back I'm not hungry for or shouldn't eat. It's going to be more drives past my favorite fast food place. It's going to be more workouts and pushing my body to build muscle and burn fat. It's going to be more bad days with me needing reminders of who I really am and not what I see in the mirror. It's going to be more reminders that food has no power over me. It's going to be more tears, more sweat, and more vegetables.

So one month and five days later, I'm still in this. And it may be just eleven pounds, but it's a well fought for elven pounds.

I turned the AC off and everything

2010-09-29T07:53:00.001-05:00

Autumn!!! It came! It's here! FINALLY!!!

Sunday evening felt breezy and delightful and to my surprise Monday morning awoke with nearly frosted dew on the grass and was quite a chilly morning. The weather is supposed to be pleasant all week with mildly warm afternoons. Another reinforcement of chilly weather will arrive late this weekend. I might even need a sweater...

I spent most of the day Monday with the windows open at home. I wish I could find a candle that smelt like fresh fall air blowing in through your house. It's got to be one of my favorite smells. It makes me want to bake and clean and run and dance and sing - all at the same time.

In light of autumn's arrival I baked a homemade pumpkin pie because I found Libby's pumpkin puree at the grocery store last week and nearly screamed in the baking aisle and bought four cans just in case they ran out again before Thanksgiving. And even though I just decorated my house with pumpkins and leaves and all things fallish, I found myself wanting to listen to Christmas music and bust out our tree.

But I didn't.

What I love about the arrival of fall:

Celebrating Todd's birthday.

Remembering mom.

Halloween costume ideas.

Baking.

Lighting candles.

Hunting season - not that I go, but it makes Todd super happy.

Having the windows open day and night.

Taking walks that are free of mosquitoes and sweat.

Candy corn.

Long sleeved shirts, sweaters and scarves.

Listening to Christmas music prematurely. And I am.

Being outside.

Finding new Thanksgivingish recipes.

Planning Thanksgiving dinner.

Fall clothes shopping.

Crisp mornings.

Pleasant afternoons.

Romantic and chilly nights.

Cuddling under blankets.

Wearing socks or slippers.

Pumpkin lattes from Starbucks.

Pumpkin patch outings.

Pumpkin pie.

Anything pumpkin apparently.

Turning off the AC and as a result getting smaller utility bills.

Fall back (extra sleep!).

What do you love about this season?

A Picture of Fulfillment

2010-09-28T09:31:00.003-05:00

Sarah and I have been friends since our junior year of high school. We attended the same church and bonded over baking and scrapbooking and lamented about the boys who never seemed to like us back. I still remember one night having a pizza-fest in my room watching the movie "Ever After" and sitting there sobbing wondering if we would ever meet our Prince Charming and if he would be as wonderful as the man in the movie.

Both of us ended up having these whirlwind romances in 2005 and were engaged and married the next year. Sadly for me though, she moved to Washington state and we have maintained our friendship only over the phone. I love the kinds of friends where you can pick up right where you left off as if it hadn't been over four years since you've seen them.

Over the weekend, Sarah was in town to show off her new baby boy Ben, and I had to stop by to see her.

Sarah and I both struggled with infertility issues when trying to get pregnant. Both of us at one point felt hopeless. We both had also dreamed of having daughters and were dumbfounded when we found out that we were expecting boys. And now that we both have boys we can't imagine life without them. Of course Tommy came first, and Sarah's happy news that she was expecting came last year. Ben was born this July, almost a year after Tommy.

As we sat with one another in real life and not over the phone on Sunday evening, I held her precious son while my own was at my knee begging me for more cheesy puffs. We both started to cry at God's goodness at what had been fulfilled for us. It was a beautiful moment of celebration. And yet my heart felt this familiar ache for friends who are still waiting and trying not to lose hope. I pray that my heart is forever marked by what I have gone through in my journey and that the ache for others never goes away. Oh that everyone could share what Sarah and I shared with one another that day....

So here we are with our Prince Charmings and the babies we longed for, prayed for, and waited for. Only God could make a picture like that....

It was a short visit as many people stopped by to see them and meet little Ben - but it was a sweet, sweet time of old friends celebrating what God has done.

Wishin' and Hopin' and Thinkin' and Prayin'

2010-09-23T09:15:00.003-05:00

I wish the weather would cool off already. I want it to feel like fall!

I wish the rain would go away for a while and the sun would shine.

I wish Todd would not have gotten a flat tire last night.

I wish that tires were free and we didn't need to buy a new one.

I wish that our shower faucet thingy didn't break last night and I didn't need pliers to turn it on and off until we fix it.

I wish last night had gone much, much differently than it did.

I wish weight would come off as fast as we put it on. Because I've been busting my butt and have successfully only seemed to lose weight in my boobs.

I wish soda were good for you. I wish I didn't miss drinking it.

I wish that 100 calorie cookie packs had many, many more cookies in it.

I wish Tommy wouldn't have figured out how to un-child proof our kitchen cabinets. I also wish he would quit trying to climb into the dishwasher.

I wish for an entire day to myself so I could clean my entire house uninterrupted and maybe even go shopping to buy shoes. Or buy anything for that matter.

I wish I didn't have to go to the store tonight after Todd gets home from work. I wish food were cheaper.

I wish that I could go on a vacation. Or even a small weekend getaway with my husband.

I wish time didn't fly by so fast.

I wish some things didn't have to change.

I wish I could muster up some gratitude....

Muggy Season

2010-09-22T07:04:00.001-05:00

Today is supposed to mark the first day of Autumn. And I'm sure in most parts of the country it is much more autumny. But here, it is humid and warm and rainy and no chance of crisp fall air or a need for sweaters or scarves is in the forecast yet. It's muggy season.

I guess that seems fitting, because our season of life right now feels muggy in and of itself. With Todd working virtually all day long every day, life has seemed to just kind of roll into itself one day to the next. Because weekends feel like any other day that I am simply home, there isn't much to look forward to. This last weekend, Todd was out of town setting up deer blinds and working on a deer lease for extra income and spent all day Saturday and most of Sunday gone. And even when he is working all day every day and I don't see him, at least he is still in my bed at night and I have the strength and comfort of his arms to ease me. Needless to say, Saturday night was a long and lonely night.

I spent Saturday and Sunday doing laundry. And reading Tommy the same books over and over again. And I either need some new books or a library card, because if I have to go over that ABC book one more time....

Even with pharmaceutical assistance, I couldn't sleep the night Todd was gone. And by the time he walked in the door Sunday night I was ready to break down in tears and also thought I was going to literally jump his bones. (Because he is seriously sexy in camo and his big man boots and his farmers tan - apparently, that does it for me!) I knew he was hungry and tired, but after being home for the last 72+ hours I was ready to get OUT.

Thankfully his parents came to the rescue and sat at the house while Tommy slept so we could just go BE somewhere for a while. We ended up at Red Robin where I had about three bites of ice cream and he ate half a burger and we sat in a huge corner booth all by ourselves and flirted and talked and I'm pretty sure the busboys were wondering what was with the old couple in the corner booth making out. The time seemed to fly and I didn't want to go back home. I could literally feel myself clinging to him and not wanting to let go.

Needless to say, this whole season of Todd working two (and sometimes three) jobs is sucking. He is tired. I am tired of being home without him. And this season has just begun for us. We have five and maybe six or seven months left of this? UGH. And I wish I could feel the change of autumn and the relief it's cool winds bring. Because just maybe it would offer a bit of consolation during our muggy season.

Cousin-Friends

2010-09-21T09:45:00.003-05:00

For many years I have considered myself to be especially blessed for the amazing relationships that I have with my two cousins, Aimee and Anna. When they were younger I would babysit them during the summers. All day, every day. And even though I thought that was fun, it is even more fun having grown up adult conversations with them, sharing drinks and even just having them over to catch up on life. I'd like to think that we've all kind of grown up together - even if I am perpetually ahead of them in years.
They are more than just my cousins. They are some of my dearest friends. They can often be found on my couch mid-week, my phone is full of their text messages and no girls night is ever complete without their presence.

Over the weekend we went out to celebrate Anna's 23rd birthday. Chips and salsa, margaritas, laughs and deep conversations - it was a good time. (And not just because I was able to get out of the house!)
I love that my cousins are not just cousins that I see on holidays or family gatherings. Our relationship goes beyond family affairs. We have mutually invited one another into each other's hearts. We all want more, we encourage each other to more and it has made for this very beautiful thing among us.

The thing that I call cousin-friends.

God-picked

2010-09-16T09:31:00.005-05:00

Todd and I were still awake after midnight last night. Er, this morning I guess.

That was because I had to stay up and watch the new Top Chef: Just Desserts premiere and I needed a shower after a very sweaty workout. We prayed together and decompressed about our day - his more tiring and eventful than my at homeness with Tommy where my biggest crisis is trying to keep Tommy out of the kitchen cabinet that he has now figured out how to un-child proof.

Ugh.

But anyway.

We were still up by the time midnight came around and then I remembered.

Five years.

It was five years ago today that I met Todd at the church retreat that has forever left a mark on my heart. It was five years ago today that I sat with God in a very dark place and had the most honest conversation I had ever had with Him. It was five years ago today that I cried out to God and said if He had anyone out there for me, that He should pick him out. Because I had made a mess trying to find "the one" and I knew that night that God's love for me was so great the He really did know what was best for my heart. And if that were true, I could trust Him to bring me the man of my dreams.

And so He did. God picked him out.

People that have known me for a long time have always been surprised that I ended up with a man like Todd. I think even I had envisioned someone different for me. Years ago, I had made this "list" of all the qualities, characteristics and even interests that I wanted to share with my future husband. And at some point, I ended up disregarding that list. I actually did meet the man who was Mr. List and ended up being rejected by him (though with kindness), I figured that maybe I knew what I wanted, but I maybe I wasn't sure what I really needed.

Five years ago today, when I uttered a broken prayer to God about the damage I had done to myself and what a big mess I had made, God heard me. Not long after that prayer, I was having a conversation with a guy driving a big camo-covered truck and thinking what a great smile he had. I still don't understand God's timing, but as I look back on the places I have walked these past five years and how Todd has walked them with me, I can see why God brought Todd to me when He did. His timing is mysterious and confusing and beautiful and sometimes, God allows us to see a glimpse into this big beautiful picture that He is weaving.

Todd cares for my heart. He uses his words to build me up. He adores me and holds my hand and kisses my neck when I'm cooking. He kisses me with the same passion he did when we dated. He wipes my tears. He owns up to his shit and forgives me for my own. He names evil and fights right alongside of me. He enters the chaos that I can create. He is committed to fighting for our marriage to be great, even when it's hard to do so. He cries when I cry. He laughs when I laugh. He lets me be silly. He is safe. He is handsome and sexy and oh how I love him. I don't believe those things were on my "list." These are things my heart needed and God knew it.

And in all that I am mindful of as I remember the beginnings of our relationship, I still stand in awe of the God who loves me and knows my heart the best and cares for it even more than Todd will ever be able to.

Tuesday Bites

2010-09-14T09:15:00.005-05:00

My car smelled a bit like pizza when I got in it this morning. It was a sign of Todd's hard work and sacrifices.

Apparently, I will actually eat fruit if I'm really hungry and have no other options.

I have a very scratchy throat that's not starting to hurt or usher in a cold. Though it's driving me nuts and no amount of water or Vitamin C is making it go away.

My walk with Tommy last night was ruined by a swarm of mosquitoes that attacked us. Tommy thought it was hilarious how I kept waving my hands around him to keep the mosquitoes away.

And I wish a cold front would get here already, if anything, to just get rid of the gosh darn mosquitoes that are preventing me from being able to be outside for a fun walk.

I am starting to worry if Libby's pumpkin puree stuff is going to be ready by Thanksgiving because it is not Thanksgiving without Libby's pumpkin puree. It hasn't been in the store in months and has anyone else noticed this but me?

And is anyone else already thinking about Thanksgiving besides me either?

I've decided I'm going to host it this year, so that's probably why I am gearing up for Thanksgiving plans in September....

My raise should be coming this week now that I've been here for 90 days. Can we say, WHOOHOO!!

Tommy has a little bug and I hope it doesn't turn into ear infection #3. I'm not sure if he's trying to get some of his bigger teeth or if he caught something?

I felt productive yesterday. I ironed like 9 shirts, 2 pairs of Todd's pants AND dusted the living room and our bedroom. And my living room thanked me for it I think.

Tomorrow is my cousin's birthday and I'm excited about celebrating it this weekend. Salsa, margaritas and friends - good times!

I've lost some weight and I'm kind of excited about it. Okay, I'm a lot excited...

Fruit Loop Face

2010-09-10T14:14:00.001-05:00

I couldn't not share this, because hello.
Maybe the cutest picture of a fruit loop stuck to a baby's chin ever.

All Grown Up

2010-09-09T07:00:00.002-05:00

The one-point-five years I attended college contain some of my most fun growing up memories. College was this magical place where there was no such thing as "popular" and everyone was everyone else's friend. My closest group of friends there were fellow music majors and we all shared similar dreams of either teaching or becoming famous opera singers.

For me and my friend Kathryn, we wanted to be famous opera singers. And we didn't even have to be famous. We just wanted to sing, be on stage, and hope to someday be, "the star."

My core group of friends started out as a study group because our music theory teacher was insane with homework and I never had to learn so hard in my life. During one of our study groups where we were not studying, we ended up forming a little club called The Intervals - which was fitting since we happened to be learning about intervals at the time. It was all fun and silly but actually came to be quite useful because I could remember that Amber was the seventh and Jessica was the third and the interval test ended up being a breeze. And by the way, intervals ended up being the easier part of music theory and nothing else after that made much sense to me.

We even had shirts made. Which was a little ridiculous. But it was super fun and I remember all of our silliness with great fondness. I have pictures of us posing like models and jumping into pools with our clothes on and getting in food fights with cake. Good times....good times.

We started our freedom and adulthood together. We had much maturing and growing up to do and much has changed since our game nights at 3am in the quad days and eating random concoctions that you'd never know you could make in the microwave. (And my roommate learned that fishsticks were one thing that you couldn't.)

A couple of weeks ago, Kathryn dropped me a note and said she would be in town for a couple of weeks for the San Antonio Opera. She's this opera singer now and she travels from place to place singing in various operas and theaters. Though she assured me that it's not nearly as glamorous as it sounds.

I'm not sure if I believe her though. Especially since she'll be getting an agent and everything soon.

Kathryn and I got together over the long weekend and our time together was amazingly fun. We had almost eight years of life to catch up on, and it was as if we picked up right where we had left off. There was a lot of laughing, a few tears and tons of story telling. I had wondered how it would feel to sit in the presence of my friend who was living her opera singing dream as part of me always wonders what I could have been had I done the same. We talked about it some and I was grateful that I could tell her what I was feeling while celebrating her accomplishments too. The best kinds of friends are the ones that let you express your disappointments in a place where they have experienced fulfillment.
We talked about how grown up we had become and the hard things that had led us to where we are now. Twenty-nine, wearing grown up shoes, in grown up relationships with grown up men, drinking grown up beverages and having grown up conversations.

And though there was plenty of grown upness present, there was still room for plenty of silly.

I'll be seeing you

2010-09-07T10:10:00.003-05:00

It's pouring down rain today. There are huge water drops streaming down from the windows at work. I can hear waves of rain hitting the roof and the streets are starting to become overwhelmed and flooded. It feels appropriate though as I feel a bit weepy and sad.

We said, "I'll be seeing you" to some dear friends yesterday. We didn't say a goodbye as we know we'll see them from time to time. Yet we are painfully aware how their leaving causes a shift among our friends, community and ministry.

Mark and Tracy Johnson were the leaders at the singles group, "The Call," that Todd and I attended before we met and got married. Todd has known them since they first moved here, and I met them five years ago when I first started attending that church. Somehow, it feels longer than just five years though. And it must feel that way because of the impact that they have had on my heart during that time.

In those five years, we have shared much of our lives with them. It was with Tracy that I first shared my story. It was with her that I learned what it meant to be heard and understood and seen. Even feeling exposed at times, she always clothed me with truth and always encouraged me to be kind to myself and to fight for my life. Both of them invited us to more and asked the hard questions. They showed us by their own lives what it meant to risk, to live, to celebrate and to love. My life - my marriage, my relationships, my health, my heart - all if it is left changed because of what they have invested in us. I will miss seeing them, eating with them, celebrating with them, laughing and crying with them....

As I headed home from their farewell gathering, I saw a double rainbow in the sky. Todd arrived home shortly after I did, getting off unexpectedly early from his new part-time job. We both stood outside and stared in amazement and wonder as it seemed like this beautiful and perfect gift from God. A reminder of His promise. A reminder that He is there, and that He does beautiful and complex things, and He is good. He is working - in us, in the Johnson's, and in all of the things we don't see. We kissed and held one another and it felt wonderful and I felt beautiful and alive. It was a moment of "shalom" as Dan Allender would say.

Later the sunset sky was lit up with fuschias and ambers and deep indigos and it nearly took my breath away.
This morning it is still raining. There are no rainbows or beautiful colors painting the sky to remind me of God's beauty. Just gray skies and downpours and wet streets. My heart feels sad and heavy and I wish I could spend the day loving on friends who feel the impact of the Johnson's leaving too. It means different things to all of us I think.

My heart feels full of emotion of feeling and I know that I need to cry as I feel the tears come. I'm sure they will come in waves much like the rain has come this morning. And though there is sadness and loss - there is much hope and joy and excitement there too because I know God is moving and doing amazing things.

Above all, I feel alive. And because of the impact this precious couple had on our lives, I am able to not only say it, but know that it's true.

Toddler Town

2010-09-06T08:00:00.001-05:00

Look who's walking!
He started taking steps in August and by the end of the month he had it down. I wonder how much things will change now that I'm the mother of a toddler....

Tears over Food

2010-09-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

On Wednesday, I was having one of those days where I just wanted to have something in my mouth. I felt the pull of just wanting to eat something and I was irritated. It seems to only take just a few days before evil calls and familiar habits are waiting to picked up again.

During the day I mustered up enough strength to stay out of my refrigerator and didn't munch on the things calling to me. I cleaned my bathroom and did some laundry to quit thinking about food and how I just wanted to eat anything I could get my hands on.

It helps to call Todd and tell him that I feel like I'm having a weird day or that I'm struggling or leaning towards being violent. Just hearing his voice and sharing my brief tidbit about where I was at felt like a relief and that I wasn't hiding some secret thing from him about where my heart was at. I was curious where it was coming from though.

A new friend of mine came over to visit that afternoon and we got to sharing a little bit about our stories with one another. Something about her eyes remind me of my mom and I told her this. She observed that my tears about my mom were ready to spill out of my eyes and was curious why I was holding them back. And I wasn't sure - I didn't even know that I was. And as soon as I quit holding them in, they came.

Grief continues to be a complicated and glorious place to sit in. The loss of my mother is something that will always be there. The loss continues for every memory she misses out on and isn't there for. It continues as she isn't here to watch her grandson grow up and give me her advice or at least sit with me as I vent about how hard it is sometimes just being a mom. I miss her and continue to grieve her absence. This time of year - as soon as the beginnings of autumn arrives - my heart begins to ache in a way that it usually doesn't between January and August. I think that my wanting to just eat that day was the familiar pattern and place that I've gone when I didn't know my heart was even needing to grieve something.

For years I've munched and snacked or binged and done violence with food and didn't know "why." What a victory to be able to pause and be seen by others, and find the thing that it is I need to cry about.

So Wednesday I cried some. I chose tears over food. What a great choice. A choice I want to continue to make.